Ever since i came out to my parents my life has changed a lot. They doubt me soo much that i find myself know doubting myself too. I know if i begin to doubt myself my life is gonna get a lot worse. For a while the only thing keeping me semi strong was my very firm understanding of myself. But now as i start to lose that i can almost see myself traveling back in time. I didn't eat for a couple of days and i cut again.
Today is the first day in all i can remeber, where if a knife were in my hand i would not cut. It is a new feeling for me, i feel very alive for once, for the first time in ages i am living, not just alive and breathing, but real living. i love it. I mean i am not super happy i still have problems, but for some reason this night is different and calm in some sense. i like it, i like looking forward to the future instead of dreding it, i like living.
Finished running. Tonight
Earlier this evening I started moaning to myself about missing Rick. I was reminded of all the great stuff in our relationship that I miss, and I would have given anything at that moment to simply hear his voice again.
Why is it that when I have the most free time, I get the least amount of work done?
In my dream something had happened, I don't know what maybe nothing, and I found myself outside a building on the campus of my sister's school (a long way from where I live). I was really sda and really worn from school to the point that when I saw her I just hugged her adn started crying. suddenlly my mom and grandmom were there as well and the building became some sort of mix between Urban Outfitters and Ikea. They were shopping for her and I was just standing around there trying to pull myself together. It was like when i would freak out as a little kid. I have no clue what this means.
Thats really the only good thing about snow. We got 30 bloody inches, plus whatevers left from previous storms. Most of the heaps are taller than I. Fun fun fun. Usually I just babble, and I have a lot to babble about, but-I just don't feel like it. Odd, very out of character. Oh well, toodles for now!
Is there a quick, natural, healthy, way to lose weight? I mean no excercise, no diet pills, no dieting, no liposuction, something natural! Let me know...I'm tired of running a mile everyday. I need the 8 pack and all the other good stuff....*nudge**nudge**wink*.
Just when I am a superwoman of productivity, the whir of things getting ticked off on my to do list resounding in the ears of humanity, I get a pie in the face of Prime Minister proportions.
One long email to my thesis advisor, begging for insight, which was actually clarifying my thoughts on stuff, eaten my IE browser.
Bastard computer. ^@%$#^%@#
Well, The Day started out with me argueing with my landlord. setting me off into a spiralling bad mood. At work recently i got a new "corner cube" (similar to a copertae corner office) and then sometime during my day off yesterday management decided that the extra sace could be used to store items from the flood ravaged section of my workplace. Now I feel like I am in the Movie "Office Space" If thet come for my stapler... I know its over...
Hey y'all, this is reflections. Nice to see everyone around again. Haven't been on the site in a while, but I'm back, and I've got some stories to post. Will do that soon.
I also joined a gay youth reading group, and as soon as we get started, I'll begin posting what books we're reading, and what we think about them.
peace and love, tere
So... I finally got up the courage to go to the doctor this morning... and guess what?!?! He called this morning, 10minutes before I had to leave and said that they had to reschedual. Granted he has a life too... someone has died in his family. But fuck! I gathered myself together for this and for what?!?! Nothing. Now I have to put myself throught this living hell again in two weeks. GRRRR.
Sunny sings to herself *Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus, going as before* I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but singing it makes me feel better. I'm glad, to say the least, that this place is here for me to vent at... it's sort of like a Virtual journal.