I was just at province town for four days. The day before that I was talking to my mom about the four of us going (mom, dad, sister, me) and she told me she she had bad news, that my sister couldn't come. She's been depressed for two years so she's really behind in school so (as a punishment?) she had to stay home and do school work. Me; I want to be in school it distracts me from being depressed. But there was good news, my best friend (i'll just say Ari for privacy) was coming. The one who i can't figure out if I should tell her I'm lesbian or not.
Just when I was feeling happy, school came around and made me depressed again. Pretty much everybody I talked to last year is now gone, so I spent a lot of time just walking around, like last year except now with even less friends. Fuck all the lower grades. Thane and Nosaj are the only people I talk to who are still here, and I barely got any time with either of them.
I've waiting a long time to write this, my first journal, and while the days are running out on this site I still think I can contribute something to it.
I'm Alex, I'm almost fourteen, and I'm writing this at the 28th address I've lived at in my life. Yes, you read that correctly.
I had a dream a few nights ago about wandering the world with my sister in search of a home. Apparently our home was destroyed or otherwise lost, and we were alone traversing a deteriorating world of poverty and decaying infrastructure.
We came upon (or were led to, I can't remember) a ruined area where the people were hiding behind the curtains of their empty apartments. The building to which we went was on a road in a small city, across from a deserted field of concrete. We passed through a partially concealed entrance at the foot of a building.
The last ten days have been rough, just hellish.
Last week my mom made a surprise visit when dad wasn't home, but it wasn't to say "hi" or check on me. Since the cable was in her name she had to return the modem and DVR to not get the super high equipment charge, and she came to collect them.
Or as she said, "Give me the fucking modem and DVR right now you little pervert!!!"
But it didn't end there. All the utilities were in her name and she had them all disconnected.
"Give me your fucking phone NOW!!!!"
it's probably been at least a month since i've posted in here. but i've gotten a lot happier now, and i'm fortunately no longer in the state i've been in. it seemed pretty endless, but i've finally recovered from complete nihilism, and now i'm only in the partially nihilistic state that's normal for me, though i'm still struggling to identify the creator of this universe, and what really is behind the illusion of life. but that can wait for now.
My best friend is coming over for a sleep over, I know it sounds totally girly but it's still fun. None of that make over, chic flick, or gossip business. We may paint our nails or do a few prank calls, get a youtube account I don't know. I am really excited.
Best friend doesn't know I'm lesbian
I don't have a crush on her
I HAD a crush on her other friend
She might hate me cause she's catholic or a scared misinformed tween
Or she might not
Dating someone new. I know it's very soon but fingers crossed.
Still not complete'y over my ex even though I'm the one who ended it but that's to be expected.
I have been very civil though. Even when I may not have had to. Also seeing the guy who sexually assaulted him makes me very angry still. I do not want to see him.
So many emotions.
I cant even begin to describe it, every day I just want to crawl into a cave and stay there. My parents might be fighting, they won't tell me or my sister what about but I know they are keeping a secret from us. My sister is sixteen and she has a boyfriend and he is always at the house. So its either moody sixteen year old or goofy-dating-teenager. Me, I'm stuck here thinking "the person I have a crush on probably isn't lesbian.
It's been too long since I've written on here, and the reasons why are real bad.
In my last journal I had the impression that things were going good for me, and they were, but there was a hidden thunderstorm that was about to hit, and I wasn't prepared for it.
Right after I wrote the "Pizza With Dad" journal my family went down to Florida for a weekend getaway, and my parents let my boyfriend Colin come along with us. We stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, with my parents in one room and Colin and I in another.
I have started working full time for the first time at a chemist's, in order to save money over the summer for university, which I am moving to London to study in September. Working so much has definitely changed something inside me, it's a little difficult to describe, but I feel more responsibility, a little bit more sense of myself and when I get back home on my bike, I feel a little tired but do feel happy that I have worked and have not just spent time by myself watching more films, like i do most of my free time.
I cant remember how I figured out I was lesbian, I do all my major thinking at night so I think I was half asleep at the time. Both my parents are either psychologists or social workers so they're super cool about it and my only other sibling took it really well, and I don't really have a religion. But my family are the only people that know. Right now, its hard to be lesbian. I'm twelve, you may think that is way to young to know if I'm lesbian but I just know, you know? I've always been mentally more mature than most people in my grade.
Basically since this past weekend things have been getting crappier. So this last weekend at a party I was drunk as usual and well I kissed a girl and then a guy, but kissing him was more like and impulse that my drunken brain decided to follow; the guy didn't do anything so I thought that he was ok with it, but boy I was really wrong.
Cheaters lie and liars cheat. They may say they love you but they will grasp at straws and draw you back in. They may change but it's too late and there's no one you can tell they are genuine. They might say they don't want to hurt you but it's because it's about the guilt and shame. They might reflect but they've already broken that trust. It's a shame because it's not just about the cheating it's about lieing about the cheating. In a weird way I've already given him so many second chances.