There was something I was going to remember to tell you tonight when we had our recently routine 15-20 minute post work/pre sleep phone call, but I forgot. I always forget everything the moment I hear your voice. It's almost as if your voice is a clean slate that completely replaces my entire day.
I wrote previously mentioned chatting with a gay teen that lives near me, and this time I'm going to write about Luke, and what it's like to have a secret boyfriend.
My strategy of trying to find spots in the hall for conversation is not working, since I haven't spoken to the OG since Monday. So I'm going to need to find something else. I just don't know what. And I'm getting lost, and worried that the only person I can actually be around without being reminded of the flaws in humanity is vanishing. I'm lonely and my misanthropy is growing. Swans is helping a bit, for now.
So I thought you were so great
I guess I thought you were god
I thought you couldn't do wrong
I worshipped the ground you stepped on
You said you'd never make a promise
That you didn't know you'd keep
and I trusted that was true and
I made myself a fool
I guess that I was wrong to think that you meant it
you said you'd stay with me
no matter what I did
I guess I was the one to make a fool of myself
but maybe it would've been nice
if you didn't tell me lies.
So when you left I told you
about that promise that you made.
You looked at me with contempt
You know those nights where you're so exhausted from being stretched too thin since you first woke up two and a half weeks ago, but you just can't let yourself drift off to sleep because you know the rest won't be satisfying and you for some ungodly reason miss all too much when the nights dragged on forever as you tried desperately to maneuver your way out of a ballast sealed cocoon woven from the fibers of every highly exaggerated and raw emotion your developing, angry, anxious, confused, isolated teenage mind slashed out for you to obsess over daily?
This time I want to write about my best friend Tanner, our friendship, and the secrets I keep from him.
I've known Tanner my whole life, and he's just a few weeks older than me, and our families have a even longer history spanning several generations. We've always done stuff together: Scouts, sports, and even sex. I'll write about that later in this journal.
Coat your precious surfaces in soft and special patchworks
Burn the flaws from your neatly tailored strings
When the patrons are absent you will be the unseen expert
Asking no reception from those adjacent
Concealing the ultimate quality
The blessed borders
Which decant their holy manna to only
The warm and woven druid
The lost adherent
The man must have seen that I was having fun in PE, moving around and talking to you-know-who. So he decided to move me to the opposite end of the school from him and make me sit the whole period in a fucking boring, pointless class that only does the opposite of what it supposedly exists to do. How fun.
Here's a little resume of my boring life.
I could say summer was kinda good, but mostly boring; I didn't go out, mostly went to bed at 6am and my parents woke me up at 12 so I wouldn't "waste" my day. I had to visit my grandma, stayed with her for a week, my brother came and it was awesome, Christmas sucked, the only gifts I got were from my siblings, cousins got me drunk on New Year's Eve and it was nice (specially in the morning when I woke up without a hangover) and that was mostly all I did.
the empty abyss
crushing the skulls of its ancestors
the DEAD remnants
the only memories
destroying the past
severing pieces of its flesh
so it can continue
the MINOTAUR of the infinite
at the bones of TIME
its madness fueled
as the walls of this DEATH CHAMBER
this birth tomb
are cut down
offers no understanding
the dead march cannot be severed from existence
time has lost meaning
the indestructible abomination
the golem of pain
I walked into the Theatre and Arts building yesterday, and I noticed the scent of the carpetting, clean and anti-septic. I knew what the scent would do to me, memories of last year came flooding back in their entirety almost. I looked up at the balcony, I guess you could call it, I miss seeing you there and I miss being there with you.
School is closed tomorrow, too, for fucking nothing. The universe saw that this weekend was at a time that made me really unhappy, and that it was dragging by slowly, so it just had to take to opportunity and turn the four-day weekend into a six-day weekend, at least. I really hope Bratwurst Day is open, because I can't take this any more.
I've been looking up Break-Up cycles on the web, and whilst they all seem fair enough they don't exactly seem to be true. And theres not alot of information out there for the dumper. Everything seems to be for the dumpee. Now I know it would probably be foolish to assume every heart break is the same, because it is not, but still I'd like some sort of ball park figure as to what I am about to go through?
Soooo for all you dumpers out there what was it like? Did you feel pain straight away? Or if you didn't when did it start to kick in? Did you try and get them back after a while?
In the spring of 2012 we remodeled our small two bedroom house and finished the basement, turning it into a third bedroom with a full bath. By brother Hayden and I had outgrown our twin beds and there was no way two full size ones would have fit in that room. It was our Spring Break project, and a flip of a coin decided who would get the basement.
With more privacy, I was able to spent more time online researching gay stuff. I needed answers to some tough questions:
Why was I attracted to boys and not girls?
Why was I attracted to a girl that LOOKED like a boy?