I met up with Bosemaster a couple weeks ago. I would've posted earlier, but I've been busy with finals. I've never met anyone from the internet before, but it's always been an item on my bucket list, so that was pretty cool! We went to the magic Starbucks where I became friends with Cute Blonde Girl and talked for a while. As we were leaving, the hot Norwegian chick walked in. I had to, of course, point out this fact. I whispered, but I still hope she didn't hear me, haha. (But I mean, she's gotta know I drooled over her constantly in class. I feel like it's painfully obvious!) My friend I mentioned in the last journal, the guy who kept me company while I was waiting for my housing appointment, also made an appearance, so Bosemaster got to see all kinds of characters from my posts! (Sadly no Cute Blonde Girl, though.)
So, yeah, the school year is over. My freshman year of college is over. Holy shit. It seems like I spent longer waiting for it than it did for it to actually go by... but I feel like I've aged a hundred years in just that one year. That was hands down the absolute hardest year of my life up to this point. The second semester damage control was probably the hardest, most mentally-exhausting thing I've ever done, full stop.
Last Tuesday in debate were held a classroom debate on whether or not the subject matter of the speech I gave at the tournament was appropriate or not?
Most of my classmates sided with me, but a few took the other side as I had expected they would.
This is my speech:
"As kids, we are often reminded of how we are the future. The actions we take, the decisions we make, and the lifestyles we choose can impact our futures. As a member of that uncertain future, I feel a need to ask the tough, and when necessary, the uncomfortable questions.
This school year I've come to equally anticipate and dread the Monday after a debate tournament mainly because we spend the class going over the judge's scoring sheets, with our teacher interpreting the results to us.
After giving my speech about gay athlete's I really didn't know what to expect, even though I knew my score had to somewhat low. Could I have been in fourth place, missing third by a point or two? Or did I just suck?
I didn't really feel like writing about this at first, but it's a personal journal and it belongs to me, so why not? Nobody's going to find it unless they want to. even then they probably won't find it.
I haven't written on here in five weeks, it really seems like it's been five years.
My life's been weird lately, but it now seems like things are more stable.
For spring break dad, Carter and I went down to Florida to do some work on a friend's vacation house in exchange for staying there for free, and dad let me bring along a friend because my brother Hayden was going to be at Scout camp for most of spring break. Naturally I chose my boyfriend Luke.
i am just a body to you
A bed so far from home, I stare at translucent blinds watching cars go by as your fingers shuffle hungrily under the elastic lining of my fuzzy pajama pants. Your voice is ragged as you say ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful’ and rub your tear stained face and lips on my goosebumped neck, savoring me. I feel your sobs, you remind me that it’s been six years- you’ve waited, you’ve waited so long. You, you, you. I look out the window and wonder how my miracle could go so wrong. I prayed to be in another bed with another set of hungry hands.
I've had lots of friends sleep over at my place, but mostly it's been my best friend and neighbor Tommy, and when he stays the night it's more of us being goofy together than sleeping.
Having my first boyfriend spend the night? Wow, I was so nervous.
Colin came over around 8 last Saturday night and I introduced him to my mother, who asked him a lot of questions. Actually, it was weird because my parents never really do that when I have a friend over, but this time she did.
It's a song I guess. I mean, the moments. The moments are like a song. The mind is like a wave? The song isn't ending. I'm not sure how to say that the world isn't ending, when it sometimes feels like it is. The world isn't what it used to be, is it? The song doesn't end, but the words do. The universe is the song, and the words are our lives, I suppose. I'm not really sure. Isn't it odd to think that maybe we aren't going to live forever? I'm not sure what to do with the knowledge that I'm not immortal. I want to be immortal. I'm so afraid of dying. It's like shooting a whale. Dying, I mean.
So we're supposed to be finally going on that walk on Sunday if everything goes right. I might be making some tunes with someone on Saturday if everything goes right. For some reason both Kiwi and his girlfriend were not at school yesterday, I don't know what was up with that. Probably some sort of testing. I meant to ask, but didn't have enough time. Just enough to settle the weekend plan and discuss a couple of other quick things.
I am bouncing out of my chair and unable to study for my psychology final omg lol. So I posted the other day about me and my ex breaking up, that was truly for the best. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more having to hear say I want have time for him anymore one I really get into school, and he was really pissed when I got a second job. HELLO I got bills to pay!! And everything I'm going to talk about are things my ex ha issues with, but I can now have in my life. ;D
So, I suppose I'll start with my social life. I haven't branched out a lot this past year of college. No parties, clubs only lasted for a few months, and really my only friends have been my suite mates. Well, there's an odd number of us, and block housing for next year is for an even number of people for some ridiculous reason, so guess who's been left hanging? Me. So I had to take whatever was left over because those who are drifters with no specific preference or plan get stuck with whatever hasn't been taken.
If to-morrow means nothing, and might not ever come, stop thinking about to-morrow. Life's short and meaningless, sure, but does it make you feel better to mope about it? Read a book. Play a game. Watch a movie. Play outside. See the woods. Examine a tree. Play with a puppy.
What is it about that idea that people have such a hard time with?
the koan: the life without pain belongs to the person who feels pain; the life of endless pain belongs to the person who feels no pain
so that's what enlightenment feels like...
How sad is it that I was waiting on it to end? So that's five months down the drain along with a two year friendship and my freaking celibacy. What did it all come down to? You wouldn't beleve it if I told you. But I'm ok with it ending, I'd returnt to bad habits from the stress, (smoking cigars and drinking),.
Weird title, I'll admit it.
The Saturday of the debate tournament came, but the biggest debate I hate was with myself: Should I wear the shiny tie or not? Lots of over thinking there, believe me.
Right before my father and I left that morning, Colin sent me a text asking if we could give him a ride to the tournament and back because him mother was called in to work. He lives on the way there, so it wasn't a big deal to pick him up.
For some reason Joy Division is the only thing I can listen to that won't just make me feel worse, and will actually help me forget a bit. It doesn't remind me ov you know who, anyway, so that's nice. So there's my explanation of this title