Welp, I have some things to share.
First and foremost, this weekend was fantastic. Saturday my suite mate/close friend Kaylie and I made a trip to Chicago for a concert. One considerable dilemma: my car window will not roll up. The mechanism is busted and will cost 250 dollars to fix, and I couldn't get it taken care of in time for the trip, so imagine going 75 on the highway at midnight in October with a window down. Yeah.
It was quiet this weekend because pretty much everyone who lives in the northeast went home for the Columbus Day break. And even though my roommate is from California and therefore couldn't go home, she wasn't here for a while because she went on a little day trip all day Saturday. So I got to do whatever I wanted. I did some exploring on Saturday. Walked around the city a bit. (Well, until it started sprinkling and raining.) That was refreshing. I really like the fact that I can just walk around and look at things now, if that makes any sense. There wasn't anywhere to walk or anything nice to look at in my hometown. Oh, and that girl I accidentally upset is talking to me again, so that's a good thing. I feel really relieved about that because I can't stand it when people are mad at me. It always makes me feel like the world's biggest asshole. And now I don't feel like I should hide from my neighbors anymore like I've been doing for the past week. Very, very relieved.
My conversation with Cute Blonde Girl this morning took an interesting turn. I was telling her about some of my friends, and I mentioned how I have this one friend from high school who is talking to me again after ignoring me for a while. But literally all that friend cares about now is nerdy guys. (Yes, this specifically. They can only be nerdy guys. No other kinds. I guess it's kind of like me with blonde girls.)
Two weeks ago I mentioned what a great "read" this new book from David Levithan is: Two Boys Kissing:
I'm confident that there exist other reviews of this fine LGBT book (primarily YA)... but, I just came across this great comment in today's The Boston Globe:
I dreamt that I was in (my subconscious version of) India, and went on a boat ride down a southbound river. I don't know what river it was, but it was bordered by vast, lush grasslands with tropical trees and occasional tributaries. There were elephants, and the grass was greener than anything I'd seen before. The sky and water were incredibly blue, making the whole scene unbelievably vibrant and saturated with light. There were small hills on the West border of the river that partially obscured some of the area to our right during that portion of the ride.
Yeah. It it did.
Trucks speed through my turquoise dreams,
taking fathers away from
their disappointed sons.
And I'm stuck in a dizzy spell,
always searching for mine,
even when he's sleeping
only a few doors down
the hall of our North Sea Texas house.
Friend, you showed up one summer day
at the public pool when
I was learning to swim
and grabbed my arm as
I thrashed in the deep end,
my heart panicking as
it thumped chlorine and fear.
But you kept me from drowning,
boy, like an angel of
the kill me-kiss me sort.
You weren't afraid to show me
the Aztec flowers tattooed across
The Special Taskforce from Korean Christian Churches on Textbooks, Homosexuality & Same-sex Marriage (Senior Representative: Kim Young-jin, Co-Representative Hwang Woo-yeo, Kim Myeong-gyu, Jeon Yong-tae) invited 20 delegates from political and religious sectors including congressman Lee Hyae-hoon and Lee Hak-jae from the Saenuri Party and congressman Yoo Ki-hong from the Democratic Party on the 4th at the National Assembly Building. They had a breakfast meeting at the VIP restaurant on the 3rd floor of the main building.
So, perhaps none of you know who Jahmene Aaron Douglas is, but you need to go youtube him immediately. I first saw him on the uk x factor and fell in love with him. And now he's growing in popularity pretty fast. I know all of his songs, and I found him on instagram. And omg, guess what? He followed me!!!
ive been freaking out all evening. Like, you have no idea how much i love this guy. Im going to meet him oneday, i promise you that. I will marry Jahmene Douglas.
*Cue the creepy stalker music*
This is something I'm kind-of curious about. I don't quite understand how sex could be loveless, not because I don't have sex with people that I don't love beforehand, but because I love the people I have sex with while I have sex with them.
Recently I've discovered just how intense my personal propensity for violence is; that horrid thrill that comes of bruising skin and tearing flesh brings me a joy unmatched by any form of sexual intimacy. Naturally, my horror at the idea of harming a person who doesn't wish to be harmed hasn't been at all diminished- but where I once thought myself completely incapable of violence, I find that I'm certainly quite capable and very, very willing.
1)I abruptly removed Tyler from my life once again.
2)I'm coming to terms with the fact that Edwin is moving to California. (Oh, I forgot to write a journal on that....)
3) The guy that I have been talking to (Marksley shall be his name since I gave him that nickname in person anyways) is increasingly growing on me, albeit the fact I've been keeping up my walls with extra guards on duty. It's almost been a month that we have been talking, and still no mess ups or loveless sex, which is a great sign.
by no less than the U. S. Postal Service! I hope the forthcoming stamp will be for regular first class letters...
It was a point of tired horror in my earlier shifts when I realized I was starting to recognize and compartmentalize separate pieces of garbage in my mind, remembering them from shift to shift.
A few pieces have been there since I started a few weeks ago, others have sorta blown in and out.
(Funny side note, in this article elph showed me:
I've been struggling with depression for years. Anyone who knows me knows that much. I've also been struggling with a past that haunts my every thought and consistently eats away at my mind. And worst, of late I've been struggling with mental health issues that have become so extreme that it's excruciatingly painful to be conscious.
Sometimes it's a labour to get out of bed every morning. Sometimes it's a labour to breathe. Anymore, it's always a labour to stay alive.