My head is a pulsating void. All I can hear is this ringing and the sound of my heart beat, driving me insane. I'm in inescapable pain and I am helpless and immobile. My throat is burnt to soot and dry. I'm slowly learning to walk again.
So I had to take the day off of school. This was not a fun weekend. At least it isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
我決定現在開始我要練習我的中文. 自從我爸媽回去台灣之後我就沒有說多少中文了. 一開始這還算沒問題, 反而我還覺得這事件好事 - 但是後來我才發現中文不只很有用, 如果我不好好加強我其實是失去了一部份的"我". 我每天會用中文寫一段短文, 順便也可以利用這個機會來寫日記.
vomiting through my nose, i choke
panicked gasps and still my shaking hand;
35 pretty red lines marking my hips today-
slices upon thickened scar tissue, my
musical ledger lines waiting to be notated.
i told you my trust was not to be given;
only auctioned to the highest bidder
willing to excersize extreme self sacrifice
you looked at me with honeyed eyes,
forgetting who you are,
and handed me an IOU
I feel like it's pretty fucked up that when
I watch Adventure Time
The character I get
More than anyone else
is the Ice King
The guy that nobody likes
Who just doesn't get
the way that people work
Who started out pretty well
until his life went to hell
cuz he started to lose his mind
and suddenly I notice that mine
is slipping away
more and more
as the screaming starts to drown myself out
I feel so trapped inside my mind
when I can't hear a thing
that I think
and I wonder if I'm starting to slip
And I wonder if I know anything
Because the more that I look
1) you are naked except for a blindfold
2) the artist hands you a piece of chalk
3) the artist draws on your back
4) through my sense of touch, you try to imitate the lines she is drawing with the chalk on a concrete floor
5) she tries to create something beautiful, something you cannot see
6) the artist struggles, begins to force me into the act of creation - you do not see this world, yet are entirely under her will
[...] you both try
7) forty-five minutes later, the blindfold is removed, you am bleeding from being dragged across the floor, everything is grey, white and red
How do you describe to someone
who is so apathetic and cruel
that they’re that kind of angry again?
you may have thought you had an off switch,
a kill code,
but it’s trapped somewhere inside of that skull, and you
are not at home, absent,
and i am standing at your door in the rain
You didn’t let me say goodbye, goodnight, that I love you-
with the riveting explanation of your all day absence tomorrow,
you deftly gave our relationship the middle finger.
little do you know
Today was a fucking good day! I'm actually really happy, and I think you can guess why. I had a really good conversation, nearly five full minutes in length (which is a lot for how it's been going), plus two shorter ones. It almost felt like the good old days. He started out really quiet and just unusual for some reason, and then by the end of the day, he had gradually shifted back to the state he usually is around me, so that was really weird.
We trusted it
We did so foolishly—together
The generosity of the perfect machine is endless
Strange that with our colors
We believed what the monster could do
How we would stare at that smooth gate
Awaiting the ability
The moment of unity
When we could unhinge the door to golden perfection
And be blinded of the sight we would no longer need
And carelessly drift deep into that blue-gray abyss
Without watching that which had no cause
Its lack of purpose fueled our return
The lift from the shining gray pool
In which we would blissfully fill our lungs
I just remembered this site used to have a search bar, a real monster that if you clicked on it basically guaranteed that your browser would freeze for half an hour before coming up with nothing fruitful.
How long has that been gone, I wonder? I guess I don't remember seeing it for a while...
Please be more active, Oasies. I'm feeling lonely right now with the lack of multiplicity in people offering help. The site's just down to elph and me now. When I need your guidance the most, you abandon me.
_ -||^ - -
So today we had a BBQ at some friends house with all my classmates and I eventually ended up at some friends house with my best friend and got talking about stuff for like two hours until we felt like going back there, but I got really drunk plus I hadn't eaten anything; after like there's shots of aguardiente I was already tipsy and then I took some more and mixed with whiskey so I got drunk really fast.
There was something I was going to remember to tell you tonight when we had our recently routine 15-20 minute post work/pre sleep phone call, but I forgot. I always forget everything the moment I hear your voice. It's almost as if your voice is a clean slate that completely replaces my entire day.
I wrote previously mentioned chatting with a gay teen that lives near me, and this time I'm going to write about Luke, and what it's like to have a secret boyfriend.
My strategy of trying to find spots in the hall for conversation is not working, since I haven't spoken to the OG since Monday. So I'm going to need to find something else. I just don't know what. And I'm getting lost, and worried that the only person I can actually be around without being reminded of the flaws in humanity is vanishing. I'm lonely and my misanthropy is growing. Swans is helping a bit, for now.
So I thought you were so great
I guess I thought you were god
I thought you couldn't do wrong
I worshipped the ground you stepped on
You said you'd never make a promise
That you didn't know you'd keep
and I trusted that was true and
I made myself a fool
I guess that I was wrong to think that you meant it
you said you'd stay with me
no matter what I did
I guess I was the one to make a fool of myself
but maybe it would've been nice
if you didn't tell me lies.
So when you left I told you
about that promise that you made.
You looked at me with contempt