i am just a body to you
A bed so far from home, I stare at translucent blinds watching cars go by as your fingers shuffle hungrily under the elastic lining of my fuzzy pajama pants. Your voice is ragged as you say ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful’ and rub your tear stained face and lips on my goosebumped neck, savoring me. I feel your sobs, you remind me that it’s been six years- you’ve waited, you’ve waited so long. You, you, you. I look out the window and wonder how my miracle could go so wrong. I prayed to be in another bed with another set of hungry hands.
I've had lots of friends sleep over at my place, but mostly it's been my best friend and neighbor Tommy, and when he stays the night it's more of us being goofy together than sleeping.
Having my first boyfriend spend the night? Wow, I was so nervous.
Colin came over around 8 last Saturday night and I introduced him to my mother, who asked him a lot of questions. Actually, it was weird because my parents never really do that when I have a friend over, but this time she did.
It's a song I guess. I mean, the moments. The moments are like a song. The mind is like a wave? The song isn't ending. I'm not sure how to say that the world isn't ending, when it sometimes feels like it is. The world isn't what it used to be, is it? The song doesn't end, but the words do. The universe is the song, and the words are our lives, I suppose. I'm not really sure. Isn't it odd to think that maybe we aren't going to live forever? I'm not sure what to do with the knowledge that I'm not immortal. I want to be immortal. I'm so afraid of dying. It's like shooting a whale. Dying, I mean.
So we're supposed to be finally going on that walk on Sunday if everything goes right. I might be making some tunes with someone on Saturday if everything goes right. For some reason both Kiwi and his girlfriend were not at school yesterday, I don't know what was up with that. Probably some sort of testing. I meant to ask, but didn't have enough time. Just enough to settle the weekend plan and discuss a couple of other quick things.
So, I suppose I'll start with my social life. I haven't branched out a lot this past year of college. No parties, clubs only lasted for a few months, and really my only friends have been my suite mates. Well, there's an odd number of us, and block housing for next year is for an even number of people for some ridiculous reason, so guess who's been left hanging? Me. So I had to take whatever was left over because those who are drifters with no specific preference or plan get stuck with whatever hasn't been taken.
If to-morrow means nothing, and might not ever come, stop thinking about to-morrow. Life's short and meaningless, sure, but does it make you feel better to mope about it? Read a book. Play a game. Watch a movie. Play outside. See the woods. Examine a tree. Play with a puppy.
What is it about that idea that people have such a hard time with?
the koan: the life without pain belongs to the person who feels pain; the life of endless pain belongs to the person who feels no pain
so that's what enlightenment feels like...
Weird title, I'll admit it.
The Saturday of the debate tournament came, but the biggest debate I hate was with myself: Should I wear the shiny tie or not? Lots of over thinking there, believe me.
Right before my father and I left that morning, Colin sent me a text asking if we could give him a ride to the tournament and back because him mother was called in to work. He lives on the way there, so it wasn't a big deal to pick him up.
For some reason Joy Division is the only thing I can listen to that won't just make me feel worse, and will actually help me forget a bit. It doesn't remind me ov you know who, anyway, so that's nice. So there's my explanation of this title
I was really annoyed at my boyfriend, A, last night because I was hoping he would come over and we would have a relatively early night. Instead, he was in town for ages and kept stalling and I had to stay up until half past three until he finally got home. I told him I was a annoyed but I couldn't be angry with him. It's nice seeing him and hanging out with him but sometimes he just goes out way too much. I just can't keep up with going out more than twice every week (no exagerration), and it's really taking a toll on my sleep and studies, as well as the quality of the time I spend with him.
Been a tough week for me. My area was hit with flooding a few days ago, and my family wasn't all that affected because we're on a higher elevation than the rest of the town, but we didn't have internet for a a few days and no school as well.
A few days after I read my speech to my class I started getting notes in my locker, anonymous comments about my speech. There were no negative ones, but most were eye opening.
A few examples:
Regardless of the distractions, my thoughts are still plagued with memories of Ky. I don't feel motivated to do anything and I wish I could just stay in bed all day, but I eventually get hungry and have to get up to eat. It would be nice if there were just one thing that had a point to it, because then there would be a reason to care about anything. I can tell that Yk is trying to ignore me, so the one thing I thought I had isn't even real, and he just seems like a douchebag now that I'm seeing him from a different perspective. Too bad this ended before I was ready.
In a previous journal I made the blunt announcement that apparently I'm ready to go look for a relationship. Whether I am right or wrong, it is only human nature to seek companionship beyond family and friends eventually. We recognize that we all have feelings eventually in our lives that can only be met by a romantic relationship.
questions i've been asked within 10-15 minutes of meeting a straight person:
when did i first want to fuck men
what i do in bed
what i did first in bed
how did i lose my virginity
who i fucked first
who fucked me first
how old they were
do i wear condoms
do i have aids
how do i feel about aids
what kind of porn do i watch
what kind of porn have i watched
when i fucked girls did i like it
was my father around when i was a child
is that why i got fucked by older men as a teenager
is that why i date a recovering heroin addict
Well I can't talk to YK any more, it seems, so I have to just forget about him now. Unfortunately, that's being a bitch because everything is making me think about him, and whenever I remember that he exists I feel absolutely terrible about not being around him. Now that he's gone, I have nothing to delay the horrible feelings that society puts on me. Now I just feel lonely and hopeless. I have nowhere to go with this, since nobody here cares, and this is the only place I had to let my feelings out.
Last Friday my classmates and I went to some club to celebrate a birthday and as expected, after getting drunk and dancing we went to some friends house to stay the night and it was really fun because we ended up drinking 1lt of aguardiente that we never touched at the club so we started talking about dumb things, chicks and stuff like that until I asked them about the rumor that I have about kissing my best friend, apparently we did it and there's a video, after that some guy started to ask questions about if I'm gay and if I've done something else with my best friend, after he asked me for t