I was really annoyed at my boyfriend, A, last night because I was hoping he would come over and we would have a relatively early night. Instead, he was in town for ages and kept stalling and I had to stay up until half past three until he finally got home. I told him I was a annoyed but I couldn't be angry with him. It's nice seeing him and hanging out with him but sometimes he just goes out way too much. I just can't keep up with going out more than twice every week (no exagerration), and it's really taking a toll on my sleep and studies, as well as the quality of the time I spend with him.
Been a tough week for me. My area was hit with flooding a few days ago, and my family wasn't all that affected because we're on a higher elevation than the rest of the town, but we didn't have internet for a a few days and no school as well.
A few days after I read my speech to my class I started getting notes in my locker, anonymous comments about my speech. There were no negative ones, but most were eye opening.
A few examples:
Regardless of the distractions, my thoughts are still plagued with memories of Ky. I don't feel motivated to do anything and I wish I could just stay in bed all day, but I eventually get hungry and have to get up to eat. It would be nice if there were just one thing that had a point to it, because then there would be a reason to care about anything. I can tell that Yk is trying to ignore me, so the one thing I thought I had isn't even real, and he just seems like a douchebag now that I'm seeing him from a different perspective. Too bad this ended before I was ready.
In a previous journal I made the blunt announcement that apparently I'm ready to go look for a relationship. Whether I am right or wrong, it is only human nature to seek companionship beyond family and friends eventually. We recognize that we all have feelings eventually in our lives that can only be met by a romantic relationship.
questions i've been asked within 10-15 minutes of meeting a straight person:
when did i first want to fuck men
what i do in bed
what i did first in bed
how did i lose my virginity
who i fucked first
who fucked me first
how old they were
do i wear condoms
do i have aids
how do i feel about aids
what kind of porn do i watch
what kind of porn have i watched
when i fucked girls did i like it
was my father around when i was a child
is that why i got fucked by older men as a teenager
is that why i date a recovering heroin addict
Well I can't talk to YK any more, it seems, so I have to just forget about him now. Unfortunately, that's being a bitch because everything is making me think about him, and whenever I remember that he exists I feel absolutely terrible about not being around him. Now that he's gone, I have nothing to delay the horrible feelings that society puts on me. Now I just feel lonely and hopeless. I have nowhere to go with this, since nobody here cares, and this is the only place I had to let my feelings out.
Last Friday my classmates and I went to some club to celebrate a birthday and as expected, after getting drunk and dancing we went to some friends house to stay the night and it was really fun because we ended up drinking 1lt of aguardiente that we never touched at the club so we started talking about dumb things, chicks and stuff like that until I asked them about the rumor that I have about kissing my best friend, apparently we did it and there's a video, after that some guy started to ask questions about if I'm gay and if I've done something else with my best friend, after he asked me for t
Boy, I'm never sure what does it. Today was just the most depressing day. It didn't have to be, I was just unhappy the whole time.
I was so fucking pathetic I went to 7 11 and bought a large bag of gummi worms and, FUCK, ate them all. I, like, never do that.
It sucks, because my usual method to deal with stress is actually much better: drinking. I drink for much of the same reasons I ride my bike and walk and, all too often, just pace my room: it helps me focus.
I am going to set myself some goals which I will set and revisit in two weeks:
- No more alcohol
- No more caffeine (except tea)
- At most two cigarettes a day
- Avoid going to town, as this usually means breaking all three of the former
- Do not let friends and my boyfriend from pressuring me from doing any of the above
- Repay my overdraft in two weeks
- After my overdraft is repaid, save for gym membership for the next two weeks
- Go for a run every morning, starting after my major assignments are completed
- Sleep before 11.00pm each night
- Wake up before 7.30am each morning
Today was a strange day. I didn't get to see much of YK because the karma police friendblocked me. I usually skip class to sit at his lunch, because that's the only way we get to spend any time together at all. But this one fucking guy who works for the school keeps telling me to go to class, and today it seems like he's actually noticed that I don't go to class. So I guess I don't get any more YK.
These people. On the internet. Getting so angry over stuff I will never understand. Okay, so you may or may not have heard about this show called Faking It that is currently airing on MTV. Well, it's about two friends who are wrongly assumed and outed as a lesbian couple and once they are outed they become super popular and so they decide to go along with the lie because, well, they are teens and at least the one girl really wants to be popular and accepted. That isn't the end though.
On Monday in debate class I read what was essentially an edited version of my last journal (The Gay Athlete's Anguish), adding a part about the fear of changing and showering with a gay teammate to replace any personal references, along with a part about how Americans are becoming more accepting of gays, except when it comes to sports.
When I finished there was silence. I mean I could hear the clock on the wall behind me ticking. Or was that my heartbeat?
So. I had a charming flashback yesterday.
Woman of broken glass, thus I declare myself; God as my witness.
Always I wish to see she who is kindly and decent and loving,
Yet I see still there is part of me staring at mirrors and seeing
someone who takes what she wants and does not look back; lies and abandons,
nary a care for the screams and the shrieks that are sounding so loudly.
Such is the life of a woman who stares at a mirror and sees a
maze of a thousand truths, faces, and voices obscuring her own truth.
This is the forest primeval! The deafening tones of the voices
screaming at me for the crimes that are indistinct in the twilight, so
shrouding my mind and destroying the things that I thought I once knew as
True and eternal; how foolish! How naive I was! I see now.
Woman of broken glass: thus I resign myself, God as my witness.
so i had an aukward encounter with someone last night it got me overly confused im lesbian i kno but im trying to determine if its a phase but honestly i feel amazing with females im attracted to but with males its like a comfort aspect im just a little puzzle on the situation all i want is a girl to call my own but i still seem to get in flings with guys i dont like the i hate relations with them i love females 99% 1%male im so puzzled by this i really am #confusion