Commander147's Story

OasisOut's picture

It all begins in the beginning of 11th grade. The reason for that is during 8th grade I had been thrown out of public school, and forced to attend a behavioral school (which will be referred to as psycho retard camp), and 11th grade was the first year I was really back in the public setting. Mind you this was in 2004 when the whole gay marriage "issue" won bush the election.

The first day of school is usually just to meet your teachers, and see who all is in your classes. Mainly just get rid of the nit grit… I.E. classroom rules and contracts of safety (for chemistry 2.) So I was just moving out of… instinct, trying to get through the day as quick as possible. That however changed near the end of the day. As I was sitting in my German class, a few minutes after the bell had rung, someone knocked on the door. My teacher admitted him after a few minutes of conversation at the door. Then the teacher (Frau) began in German. Something of the sort of "Ich bin frau…" I however wasn't paying to much attention. That student that walked in, I could not remove my eyes from him… I studied him looked at every detail. Then Frau pointed at me and asked "Wie hiesst du?" I looked confused for a moment and she helped me.. "Ich bin"


"Johann" However as soon as she stopped pestering me, I was back to staring at "Ich bin Roman."

Roman… what an awesome name… Roman was wearing true goth gear. Black cargo pants, with a shinny chain hanging from his belt, black hair, black boots, and skin so pale it made even me seem tan.

(present day)
Heh, I think it's ironic, that at that point I didn't even connect it with gay… nor did I even recognize it as attraction. I also find it amusing that even though he was what forced me to take a step back and look at my life… It wasn't until after I graduated that I told him how I felt. At that point I had wanted to join the GSA however, I was unsure thinking it would mean I was gay. I think even though I was ok with other people being gay I wasn't with me being gay.

(11th grade fast forward)
As the year progressed I tried to draw up the courage to talk to him, however, every time I was even near him my heart raced and I got tongue tied. However I always enjoyed being in the computer lab because he sat next to me there. The few times we did talk I ended up ranting about the subject… (blast my perfectionism.) In December I started talking to someone who would later be my friend, mainly because of our mutual… respect for the paranormal. See I met him in my web design class, where I was building a website about E.S.P. and the teacher started asking me, and others started to pay attention.. then lo and behold striking a friendship with "sean." As this was happening I was slowly beginning to recognize the constant gazing as a crush of sorts.

(present day)
For whatever reason It seams that all my friends know each other… sometimes it is very annoying, and sometimes very helpful.

(11th grade fast forward)
As my friendship grew with sean, It turns out for many reasons he disliked Roman. In fact, many times I stopped him held my elbow across his chest and made him promise me he wouldn't do anything to harm Roman. However I always gave him some bogus reason "he's important for future events." I was barely able to start admitting to myself what the meaning of me having a crush on a boy meant.

(late April of 11th grade)
One day after a LONG night of partying I came to school still pretty hammered. I was sure someone was gonna notice because I was really kinda out of it, triping on my bag and such. During my first free period I was in the library, as I always am. However, I wasn't thinking so clearly. My friend one of the librarians (Mrs. V.) noticed I was off it, and assumed something was troubling me. So as she always did, she kept coaxing at me to reveal my troubles. I said little thinks to play off it. Some how I ended up in her office, with the door closed with her continuing to pester me… after sitting down and mumbling for a moment… I "spilled the beans" so too speak…

"I… I don't know what it will mean if… I… I…. just don't know."

"What is it Jon… come on…"

"I…. I…. think I may be gay…"

"Oh.. is that all, I thought you murdered someone or something…"

Heh. Well she took me down and introduced me to the GSA teacher Mrs Armstrong. And after talking to her she made me feel slightly better. Plus by this time I was sobering up. The realization of what all this meant was starting to hit me…

(present day)
Thinking back on it, I suppose there were signs when I was younger, I just ignored them, Or didn't understand them. See, at psycho-retard camp, it was never good to be different. These kids wouldn't pick on you by calling you names, they would pick on you by breaking you nose. So, starting to act… gay, in a all male class was not a wise Idea anyways. So I'm sure I just repressed things and Ignored things.. Thinking back though, I was attracted to some of the boys in that class I just ignored it… See I honestly thought everyone saw people like I did…

(middle of may in 11th grade)
My friend Amanda who I started talking to more and more because of my friendship with sean, always made jokes about "find yourself a boyfriend yet." Well, one day I was making a lost and found run for the library, and I was walking into guidance as she was leaving. This was the first time she had seen me with short hair and she was kinda like "what the hell did you do to your hair…… well maybe you'll be able to find yourself a boyfriend now."

Heh I smiled looked at her and said "yup, hopefully…" her jaw dropped and she was speechless. I will never forget that. I must have really caught her off guard.

(11th grade fast forward)
Heh amid a few other coming outs with other people nothing was really all that event full. I didn't muster the balls to talk to roman or ask him out, even though I knew he was bi… from my sources… however, during the finals he asked if he could cheat off me in german… and I like a little school boy yearning attention… and gratitude from my crush said yes, even though I would have normally hit anyone else…

(so sue me, I was a little kid again during that year… my morals played second to my new found emotions.)

The aftermath:

Well during the summer I came out to my mother very "straight" "out."

"So… um… ya…. I'm gay…."

(it was a very bad idea for the record)

Ironically my father who I thought would react poorly said later to me that he's ok with whoever I choose to become… My mother unfortunately still doesn't get it…

Pretty much everyone knows in my life whether they want to admit it or not. The only person who I have sheltered greatly from my life is my older brother… because he is just an Fing prick….

Well now I'm graduated from high school and off to college in the fall. I hope my "pickings" might increase, and I grow some balls. However… that, I'll have to wait and see…

Well that's my story… It took me just over a year from ignoring signs to becoming open enough to say… march at the gay pride parade in front of about 275,000 people… J

Name: Jonathan O.
Username: Commander147
Age: 18
Sex: Male
Location: Chicago area, IL


fox333's picture

Wow. That was intersting.

Wow. That was intersting. And funny in some parts. (Good funny).

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde