First order of business: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Alright I’m done.
My life has resorted to this. I don't do homework because I do oasis. I'm so ADD i could fly away. I've decided that I'm a binge eater. Seriously. Um i feel like such a loser. I'm the little bitch of my family - they aren't always very nice. And I'm listening to No Doubt, song : I’m just a girl. Haha, I’m not. But I guess I can relate (no I’m not trans). My life sucks. And I’m sick of it. I have so many things to do – I need to make a collage, a painting, stop eating for 5 minutes, write a short story, and PLUS I have exams nect week and I’m not prepared… shit. My brother keeps making all these jokes about me, and I’m pissed off. School grades didn’t end up as bad as I thought they would, but I’m scared about my exams. I’m so Whacked out. But whatever, I can’t be pissed forever. But I always will be. I was thinking, and I’m not really happy at home… I don’t know what to do because I can’t move out. CAN NOT, WILL NOT. Music plays: It’s my life by No Doubt. Shit, they are brilliant because it IS my life and they DO forget and it NEVER, NEVER ends. Shit, I’m done for now. Talk to me bxexaxuxmxexcx1990 (take out x’s). Shit.
I just read that the most recent hate crime bill trying to protect GBLT rights when attacked failed. Shocker. How did the Republicans get so much power when over 50% of American's are supposedly not against gay rights? This just really bugs me. I want to be able to marry! I want to be protected if I'm attacked! Honestly, now!
For the record I never did find the letter. Actually I just decided to let fate take course and see what happens. Ironically my friend never gave her the letter... I was disappointed but I guess it was for the best because honestly I wanted to make Sarah miserable. Horrible but I won't lie to you. She betrayed me and lied to me through out our whole "friendship" thing. Like I said, she didn't need to lie to me about that guy... or moving away or anything. Personally I am hurt but I enjoy watching her be miserable because I have had many broken hearts so I know what it's like but she hasn't had any so it must really hurt. My friend said that she was ready to be friends again. He told me she was heart broken. And I just said "GOOD!". Of course I don't really mean it... Because I'm miserable too. I miss being able to talk to her and I hate how I got so angry and I hate how something so wonderful turned so sour but I don't regret the things I said. I just need to find a good way to make ammends... I just need time to get over it.
I'm sorry, but as a gay man, I just have to be honest that I really like meeting other gay guys, be it in person or via the internet. So why is it that at least 80-90% of the people I come across and/or newcomers are female?? Please note I am NOT saying that I wish there were less of y'all, just more men than there currently is. Any gay/bi guys reading this PLEASE post so I don't feel so alone.
Ok, this is my random rant about antidepressants- please don't get
offended if you disagree- it's just my personal opinion/experience
-So, antidepressants- A lot of people I know deamonize them as pills
that numb your soul and take away your personality and turn you into a
happy pill popping zombie. I know that for some people antidepressants
don't work- and may even have adverse affects. However- for some
Crud. I'm annoyed. Life's been okay but grrr. I just want go to sleep! Sadly my bed won't let me. There's a bunch of crap on it that i'm too lazy to put away. Maybe my mom will put it away for me tomorrow...
Oh well. I found $172 at the Rite Aid parking lot. May not seem like much but money is money. I'll probably save it, spend it on something nice in a few weeks. Right now I'm enjoying having nothin to do cuz there's no school tomorrow. I figure this laziness will go on throughtout the weekend. My mom figures that too. Especially since I have nothing much to do. I was going to go to this girl's family gathering but then I felt like I'd be to intruding-ish so i'm not going. She mainly wanted me to meet her cousins, she thinks we'd have a lot in common. Now I only kinda have plans for tomorrow. I might go see Star Wars again with different people. I saw Star Wars last weekend.
why is everyone so angry?
the slightest comment and they go into bitch-mode...
why is it so easy to feel provoked and equally to provoke someone else?
why do people so get so angry or as i would like to call it- passionate?
why is everyone so insecure?
why do we think of people in terms of enemies and friends?
whats an enemy?
how can you bring yourself to call someone that?
isnt it a bit medieval/warmongerish?
Wow ash-z. I thought you were above being nasty. . .You proved me wrong. I apologized to you iver the small spat we had over selekta's rant. If you had read that, you may have decided not to post waht you did.. But, its too late. Like I said, the biggest wounds are often caused by words instead of swords. You want me to tear apart your poetry? I am not going to stoop to that level. All I wanted was some little tidbits of how I could grow as a writer, not all this junk you and selekta are throwing at me. I thought you were friendly, but I guess not.
It is sad to me that you have no feelings whatsoever about the emotions of others. How can one have true friends if all one does is think about oneself?
Too all who dislike my poetry. . .why all this anger? Do I walk around yelling at you, telling you how sbad I think your poetry is? No. Because I value creativity. I value self-expression. You spokeyour enemies exposing themselves, ash-z; well I see that you are an angry, hurt, individual, who can only express her sadness through lashing out at others. You spoke of two-bits losing value; well I don't see your bits, no matter how much you put in, have any value.
I think I'm better than a lot of people. Call me what you will. But in doing so, realise (that's how non-american english spells it) that you're proving me right - you expose your ignorance, and you look like a fool. Even if I look like a fool too - it doesn't matter, because you're proving me right.
And don't start an argument you don't want to fight.
Haha... next I'll write a poem because I feel sorry for poor Ghosba sensei, and I want to give him/her/it something to tear apart to feel better about the way people (myself included) have been ripping apart his/her wack poetry.
Why is it that when we are young we expect the future to be as we want it, but as we get older it becomes more and more like hoping that everything will work out? Why must we lose the innocence that gives us the naïve-ness to combat the evils experience in childhood? This goes back to a discussion I had with a friend of mine about “How much of our personalities are inherent vs. environmental?
my girlfriend looks fabulous today!!!!!!!!!
ah for those of you who arent getting any today- boo yah- i am.
have you ever thought until your brain hurts? I am there right now...everything in my life is confusing...but i think i know one thing for sure..
I am in love with a girl....like real love ...beautiful love..not just a crush which i do have on other girls (fine maybe many lol-but im human)..but due to some circumstances the one I love and I can not be together per se.. so it is ok for me to have my crushes...
I only have one life to live - one chance to get it right. I don't have TIME to be pleasing other people. I have only this one opportunity to be worthy of your love.
Tonight I was talking to someone who shall remain nameless -selekta- and she said that we all have a pleasure threshold - ie there is a limit to how much pleasure we can tolerate. I'm obsessed with a concept that I thought up in a former life when I was Kahlil Gibran: "the pain of too much tenderness".
I got to see Revenge of the Sith today! It rocked! My mom got advance tickets, but I had to go to church with her. Guess what the sermon was about. "Gay Is Not OK" That was fun! (y'all can't hear my sarcastic voice on the computer).
How in the world will I ever meet anyone in this small town! I live in a small town, and although we have a good size gay community they are all adults. I really want to meet someone my age who is in the same place in there life. My problem? I don’t know how, there are a few openly gay people at my school but as far as I know no one I want to date. I just recently came to terms with my feeling and am currently under the label (as much as we all hate them) of bi, but ever since I decided this all I can think of is dating a girl.
It’s far too early in the morning. A person of my age is not to experience this hour of Saturday morning! I have to go on a early assignment for the news paper, it’s a shot of a little boy with a handicap getting out of his new van. Apparently he was unable to see his younger family members play soccer before, but now he can. So here I am on a Saturday morning getting ready to go to a soccer field, to take one shot of this little boy.
I hate my father so much in this moment. I would tear his head off if I could. Usually I adore him, he's so nice, and accepting, best dad I could imagine having. Not right now though, not at all. I don't see what possibly made him think that taking my brother to see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy without me would be ok. I just do not understand it. I'm the one who's read the entire series three or four times, I'm the one who obsessed over the movie for months before it came out, I'm the one who was nice enough not to see it with my dad on my birthday because my brother was out of town.
Why hello Oasis- I see many new faces....welcome...to a great place... :)
now ..i have been thiking alot....this is what happens when i take in way too much caffeine before bed...well anyways..i have been off class for about a week and a half ..and last night as i lay in bed i wondered what do i want? what do i want to accomplish this summer..and what is wrong with me and everything i have been doing...either way after thinking i fell asleep but one thing that came to mind is i need to be more out...i am out to a select few friends and my parents...but im ready to really start telling some people that im afraid will reject me - i dont know why but i think its because i finally feel like im really living a lie if i dont tell them...and it is tearing me apart on the inside...so yea i think im going to start living my life with less caution...
So I've been home for almost a week and I'm already starting to go crazy. I can't wait until they give me my job back so I'm not stuck sitting around my house all day. I've already managed to get in a fight with my sister and I think my parents are upset at me/worried something is wrong.
Grrr... I really want to write, but I just can't seem to come up with words (which happens more than I would like).
today i woke up, in love,
last night i fell asleep thinking about how in love i am,
and tomorrow i probalby will still be in love... but jesus christ it hurts like helll,
"my heart is like an open highway"- with a couple of potholes and the odd hump here and there,
i'm not mentally stable, my life outseide of her is a mess,
fuck so much could go wrong-
i swear to god if i lose her... i'll lose me,