i wrote this a little while ago. i just got so tired of people saying they know what pain is. this is what came out of it.
you think you know pain? with your jaded ways and gilded hearts. your cynical pain. you know nothing. you know nothing of pain, nothing of sorrow, nothing of heart-break. you say you cannot go on, you lie in bed, wallow in self-misery of some petty boy or girl. you are empty.
Yeah, to be honest. I forgot ALL ABOUT this site. T.T I'm so forgetful.
But anyway. My past two months, starting from where I left off abotu that other guy in a rant, here we GO!!!
He turned me down by practically ripping my heart out and stomping it into the ground. He told me, "That I was sick and needed pychiatric help." I was really depressed for about the next two weeks, but as I looked at it and thought about it more. I just pushed him outta my mind with a big FUCK YOU. Okay, so school let out and the summer began, pretty boring and meaningless until the middle of this month. A friend asked me to go with her to eat lunch. I said okay. So we stopped by and visited our gay friend. He's getting along much better now that he has somewhere else to go. He was gonna try to come back to our school, but the counsolar advised him "That he was better off staying a dropout.", kinda fucked up, if you ask me. So then we picked up a male friend of ours and we all played at couple of rounds of bullshit back at my female friends house. They both took me out in the woods to show me this "waterfall" and a "zombie cat", well the "zombie cat" was cool, but the "waterfall" had dried up. I began to notice how gorgous the guy was looking, but shook the thoughts away.
Okay, I'm feeling sad, frustrated, angry, annoyed, confused, empty and lonely right now. This feeling is killing me.
ahhh gosh im sleepy well anywayz last nite i was dangerously on the edge of suicidal but i dont ever think of killin myself but last nite i was dangerously thinkin bout it but then i realized i couldnt leave my sis that way, but then i kept on thinkin i dont want to fuckin live with this pain anymore, but then i kept on thinkin bout my sis, all i know is that life fucked up, and so is my bestfriend i dont know wat happened last nite but she ditched me we were talkin and i was considerin killin my self and she ditched me i was so pissed that i (one more reason why i didnt) wanted to yell at her the next time i see or talk to herbe then again it would make me feel real good to make her feel guilty jus playin.
ok, so, i posted a journal wednesday before i went camping with my dad about how i came out to my mom.... however, what i didnt mention is the fact that she already knew. shes known since the beginning of summer. now, u say, whats wrong with that? well, she knew because after one of our INSANLY stupid fights that we have quite often, she desided to see y im online so much. so, once i left the room, she logged onto myspace, and made her own account, then found me.
ok look i know somepeople here do not like labels and i understand that but every single thing on this earth has a label from a rock to a tree to a pig to a box of cereal to ur name to wat u r (race wise) to wat ur about everything has a label and im sorry for that but still that poll i put on istn for labels it was to know who the majority of the people r on here it clearly says stats so yeah i didnt mean to offend anyone...
I'm a total fuck up. I am a complete and utter fuck up who can't do anything properly.
I may have lost my college loans because I didn't get a stupid piece of paper to fill out and I just found this out and it was due the first of July and my mom will just bitch if she finds out and if I can't fix this I can't go to school and I am a complete idiot. I hate me. I really fucking hate me and my incompetence and.... God I really fucked this up.
Disclaimer: The following is a rant, and therefore illogical, biased, and more than a little bitchy. You have been warned.
My family is frustrating, therefore, I will take this lovely opportunity to bitch about them. Admittedly, some of my angst in their direction is to be expected, they are family, I am ruthlessly independent whenever possible. But I believe it is reasonable to not want one's mother to fight with one's brother to the point of scaring the bloody hell out of me! My mother used to be viciously unstable, but a while after Dad moved out, she got better. Now, she's back to the drama queen "Oh I'm Such A Terrible Mother, My Son Is A Monster, My Daughter Hates Me, I Should Just Die And The World Would Be Better." What the hell happened!?!? Why is she suddenly the falling apart teenager minded bitch she used to be? I don't want to have to be the adult in my mother's house. I don't want to have to call Dad because my mother and brother are breaking things and screaming. This entire exchange makes it sound like my brother is an older, wife-beater type, but he's only nine years old!!!!! He isn't a monster!!! He's a kid, and his (and my) mother should realise that if she didn't fight on his level, this wouldn't happen! Is a little sanity too much to ask? After the fight, I left to get coffee and avoid Mom. She didn't want me to go, and tried to force-feed me some "I Need Our Family To Be Together Right Now, Please Don't Just Walk Out, Are You Really Going To Get Coffee, Or Are You Leaving For Good" drivel. Family? What family, pray tell? Side Dish (my brother) and I are a family, we look out for each other, take care of each other, and Dad is family, we could go to him for help if we needed to, but really! The person who split up our family to begin with has no business bitching about our lack of togetherness. I am tired of dealing with her drama. I have enough drama of my own, thank you very much! I don't need any more! Ever since she and Dad got divorced, she's been completely insane. She doesn't listen to me, or Side Dish, and she's become a puppet for her right-wing country club soulless close minded parents who hate Dad and any traits in me and my brother even vaguely related to him. She's gone from the open-minded cool mom who understood that it didn't matter what was on our heads, what was in them was more important, to the mom who told me not to get a buzz cut because we were going on a trip with my grandmother (hereafter referred to as Madame Botox), just because Madame Botox would object. Excuse me! It's a goddess-damn haircut! And it's my hair, so why the bloody hell should my grandmother care!? It doesn't look scruffy, it doesn't look bad, it just looks different, and she can't deal with that. Urgh. So what happened to my mother, exactly? Since when did she care what Madame Botox thinks of my hair, or Side Dish's hair? She let him grow his hair out long, and she knows damn well Madame Botox and Daddy Fatass (grandfather) will hate it. But I can't shave my head? Again, I am forced to point out, that it's my head! It's attached to my shoulders, and it's ultimately my decision. In the end, I got the haircut before the trip, on Dad's watch, and Madame Botox hated it, true to prophecy, but I didn't start any fights about it, so she couldn't do anything. Returning to my original point, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that my mother not act like a complete drama queen idiot and put me and Side Dish in danger. Rant over.
Im not spoiled atleast i dont think i am...today is my cousin,who lives wit us, birthday. she is a spoiled mean when not her way only do good to get wat she want always gotta be bout her girl and she works for nothing
should i be mad that she gets smething i had to work for..should i. i mean she got a cell fone for her 10th birthday which is today, i had to earn mine and i didnt even get it till i was in 7th grade and 12 it jus doesnt seem fair that i have to work for wat i want when they,couz and lil sis, dont i mean on my birthday i got....nothing when were sapose to go on a shoppin trip but never did i have got anything since chirstmas...and im the good one in my family i dont get in trouble at school i dont do drugs have sex any of that i get great grades, but still i feal thats not enough to them, and it seems it isnt, i mean my parents dont even trust me now and im not the one they need to worry bout...
God, I’m so angry…
I’m angry at my parents because they should have known better. Because they should have raised me well. Because for all these years, my brother has been their son and I have only been their son’s brother. For God’s sake, he was 20 when I was 13! I needed them more than he did! But still, they were always focused on him. They still are and he’s 25 now.
I’m angry at my brother because, for some reason, he makes me feel so inferior… Because he’s prettier, straighter, happier than I’ll ever be. He may not have as many dreams as I do, but at least he lives his.
I hate being female.
Oh, and I hate tampons too.
Why can't I be one of those nice sterile people?
I blame my sisters' mutual friend who is currently giving birth. Damn her.
I hate cramps too. I hate cramps when I have to walk to a damn job interview, I hate them when I'm sleeping. I hate them.
And I'm going to women's college--it's going to be a constant bloody hormonal estrogen fest, I'm going to go insane, all of my male friends are going to have been right.
Okay um this is gona be a bit of a rant... i reli have no idea where to start.. but it's just this shit holiday i've been having in taiwan. I've got absolute nothing to do here, I'm missing so much time I could spend with my friends in NZ. It's also so damn hot here.. its over 30 degrees celsius. And I'm just pissed off with everyone in my family.
First of all it's my sister, she didn't come back to Taiwan and instead went to a South America trip so she gave me this huge list of stuff I have to buy for her... but then she didn't even explain everything properly. She told me to get her a ball dress, and she doesn't even describe what she wants it to be like. She told me that she told mum what she 'wants', but she only told mum she wants it red. Now it makes it so hard to choose one for her and it seems like I have to bear that responsibility if I choose something she doesn't like. Besides that, she asked me to get contact lenses for her as well... she said dad will know the shop which has the 'data' for her eyes so I don't need to worry. So dad said few days ago that we were going to check out the contacts... but today when I'm at my mum's place and she called dad to remind him about getting my eyes checked and getting my sis's contacts.. my dad somehow was all angry and now he decided not to get my sister's contacts (the reason partly because he thinks my sister need to be here to get a contact lense that matches her eye). And now I have to be the person to send an email to my sister on the other side of the world somewhere in South America to explain about something I don't even know much to her. It's going to piss her off and when I go back to NZ I'm going to be the one she gets pissed off with. Omg.
I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!! Woo-hoo.
I have just gotten back home from the beach. I finally had a heart-to-heart talk with my mom, and I have come to one conclusion: she has absolutely NO understanding of what I'm really going through.
We were in the car, driving to a bunch of shops, and she basically said that I'm being "dramatic" about this whole thing. She said that I should think about whether I'm really gay or not, and that if I really am gay, then I should stop being so ashamed of it, because it isn't a big deal.
There's this guy I've known for a while
now. I really liked him and he "loved" me.
So he started on his way down to see me
and it started taking longer and longer.
Then he stopped 40 min. from me to get
a job. Next thing, he doesn't call anymore
and today I found out that he hung himself.
Over me. How horrible is that?!!
But all anyone has told me is"oh I'm sorry".
So I'm having a TERRIBLE day.
I got really angry at this site a little while ago.....I don't know why. I don't think I had a reason, I just felt this intense hate. Weird. Anyway, I took an online test thing for depression and supposedly I am at high risk for being clinically depressed. Didn't really need the test to tell me that, especially given that the doctor and psychologist already informed me of this last year. It also runs in my family...lucky me! I didn't even feel depressed until I started questioning my sexuality. AH I need to talk to someone....I just don't want to!!! Hmph! I'm stuck! My mom found out that I was depressed last year because I kind of had a breakdown. Last year it was probably getting to me the most that I'm gay/bi(still won't let go of the possibility of having not met the right guy yet). There are other reasons for the depression too, I think it was just the stress I put on myself about my sexuality that pushed it over the edge. Now my mom has been treating me differently for this last year since she found out. So now I feel like I ALWAYS have to play happy so she won't worry about me. She always asks me, like shes checking or something, if I'm depressed!! Its depressing being asked that constantly! This is also why I NEVER want to come out to her. She treats me differently with depression, imagine how differently she would treat me if I told her I like girls! NEVER!
Okay, well for some reason, i have decided to post a journal etry. I dont know why, but i am. Today i went shopping with my mummy! (for those americans thats 'mommy' translated) so i went shopping, and mother dear brought me some more clothes *yay!* i love clothes! So basically what i brought was a 'puma' t.shirt, its soo cute. And a pair of 'adidas' sports shorts in red and white, also hott!!! Oh and i brought 'nike' socks x 6 pairs, a white 'adidas' netball skirt and a pair of 'fila' shoes... soo cool lol.
i had a bad day today... well it really wasnt that bad... just kinda pissed me off... i went to work today... no big deal... almost got fired... made 108$ in tips... had to work late... didnt get off till like 5 was late to my second job... because of fudgies taking over my little town... went to my second job to walk into a huge mess... screaming babies... kids fighting... phone ringing... it was crazy...
Haha! I've probably written something in here or as replies on this site like, 10 times now! I keep not pushing the post sign though. Its been really hard to talk lately on the computer or phone...or person. Its just been hard to talk lately!
Nothings really been going on with me. I have always had little periods of time where I am so weird and social anxietied that I don't want to see anyone I know. I get so mad at myself too! I wish I was normal!! In more than one way!! And I always feel so bad about feeling bad because I have a great life! Nothing appears to be wrong with me but I swear I am seriously screwed up mentally. I don't think other people have the same sort of thought processes that I have! I can't even explain how I think. Maybe thats why I can never explain anything to people.
My dad just called home from work. He's a pilot, so he goes to work every week and stays there. He doesn't pass go, and he doesn't collect his paycheck until after he's worked for a week. I feel so alone without him. He's the only person I know who respects my sexual orientation (besides my sister) and he's the only person who has the slightest understanding of just what I'm going through, since he had a lesbian mom as a kid. I want to talk to him. I want to talk to SOMEONE about my feelings. But I'm afraid.
I've been confused recently, for the first time in awhile really. I mean confused about my sexual orientation of course.
I haven't questioned whether I'm gay or not, I know I am now more than ever before. I'm truly in it for the long run now. However, I also wondered whether I'm not only comfortable being gay, but also happy being it. I even said to a friend that I'm not happy being gay. At least I thought I wasn't.