I've been confused recently, for the first time in awhile really. I mean confused about my sexual orientation of course.
I haven't questioned whether I'm gay or not, I know I am now more than ever before. I'm truly in it for the long run now. However, I also wondered whether I'm not only comfortable being gay, but also happy being it. I even said to a friend that I'm not happy being gay. At least I thought I wasn't.
=Warning: Language is bad=
It really pisses me me off that Homosexuality is such a big issue in government. Why can't they understand that we are people too? Carbon-baseed life forms with 2 arms, 2 legs, and 2 eyes! Human!! Period, end of story, get a life, do not pass GO, do not collect 200 dollars!!!
Thank you, and have a pleasant evening.
--this is just one of many essays I am writing for one of my books, "The Fallacy of Civilized Life". I have recieved offers from many companies to publish it upon completion. More of my writings will be posted soon.
So he wrote back, unfazed, saying that we should go out sometime, and that I'm hot.
Naturally, I'm assuming he doesn't know what FTM means, etc etc....
I was almost tempted to write back, saying what FTM is, so he has no false ideas about me.
But then I wondered. Am TRYING to set myself up to fail? Honestly?
I don't know.
And for the girl who asked, here's a brief outline of sex change operations for FTMs.
Mistaken Identity. But thats everyday life.
I added a gay boy on myspace who will be going to my new school down in FL next year.
And he sent me a message, flirting, asking if I was gay, suggesting we hang out sometime, etc etc.
And then I didn't want him to have any preconcieved notions about me.
So I messaged him back, saying hey, yeah, I am going to CBHS next year, hanging out would be cool.
Gah. I really do hate my parents... First of all, when I was little my dad was abusive. My mom could have done something about it when he wasn't home, like oh I don't know.. Go to court about it? But NO, she doesn't do anything for 15 fucking years. 15!!!
Gawd, I fucking hate everything. Does anyone even fucking respect me? Does anyone even fucking give a damn if I existed or not? What the hell is with everyone asking me to tell them what our homework is and then asking me to send them my work? Do they even fucking do anything themselves? Do they think I'm some kind of personal reminder tool?
Now I'm screwing up things with this friend at school and all that. He's awesome at school, but hella annoying on MSN. He uses my queerness for his own entertainment. Does he even have any respect for me? And for fuck sakes, he's been asking me to see The Omen for 1 week. I've told him I'm extremely busy and he's still annoying the shit out of me to go. Fucking hell. Maybe sometimes I'm not busy, but I'm just not in the mood for movies. I want to be alone. But how do I say that to people? I can't just say I don't want to socialise. This is so pissing me off.
Well, now my dad knows. I was feeling really down at a restaurant we were eating at, and he asked me about this and it all sort of...came out. (no pun intended) I felt more comfortable talking to him about it than I've ever felt with my mom. He came over to my side of the table and put his arm around me, and he actually listened to me instead of giving me half-@$$ed "advice" about how I should wait until I'm older to "decide this" and blah-de-blah-blah. I wanted to keep talking with him, but my mom kept saying that I needed to go out to the car and that I shouldn't be crying in front of everyone in a restaurant. Give me a break. No one was even looking at our table. She was really, really uncomfortable and kept acting like she wanted me to shut up and quit talking about this and quit being such a freak. She seems to think that this is completely stupid of me and that I should be able to stay closeted without feeling any pain, no problem. Dang it, I hate this! Why can't she just get over whatever prejudices she has and be a loving parent to me?? Lord knows I need it.
I was on BOLT today, it's a really fun profile site. I usually have alot of fun looking around on there, but today it jsut seemed kinda dissapointing to look at peoples profiles i found 10!! count em 10 !!!!girls whose profile said that they were through with boys so now they are gay!!! haha it so doesn't work that way and i don't think these girls realize that it's people like them who give those of us who are actually GBLT a bad name.
I actually just want attention right now.
Lame, I know.
I'm just really depressed and happy and content but aggravated.
I'm a kaleidoscope of emotions.
And all of my cds are at my friends house.
And I want to listen to Oasis and veg.
Another one of my aunt's died and now
this guy Jdub is being a jerk to me and I don't
know what I did to anyone and now I'm thinking
of taking heroin and i told someone who I thought
I could depend on and he decided he would call
the cops on me and ruin my life even more if
that's what it took and it's not fair I can't
do anything right or at all without someone
breathing down my neck.
Last night I started looking at my mom's corny romance novels she's always reading. I don't know how I know they're corny, since I've only tried reading one of them before. I hate them. On the back you always read about the same kinds of plots: "guy meets girl, guy pursues girl", "guy meets girl from his past, tries to seduce her", "girl meets guy, guy wants her, but she has a terrible secret". On one of the covers of the books I saw this guy who I guess is supposed to be attractive. I mean, he has that "sexy smirk" thing going on and all of that. But all I could think was, "Jeez, that guy needs to shave!" But I could tell he's supposed to be attractive, and my mom would probably have asked me, "Isn't he hot?"
i live in some wat opened minded place like theyre cool wit gays but noone in our family is gay so like when i relized i was gay in 6th grade i was like Shit amd didnt act on my feelin then like this year 7th grade i was "it hurts to much to deny" so i think i accepted it but im still ?in it "like why me" i dont know but when i think bout im like how couldnt ive know ive always been different so like now i need help understandin it cuz i feel like im by myself but know im not.
Well, I've been feeling depressed lately. I keep wondering about my sexuality, whether I'm really a lesbian
or not, whether I should tell my parents or family, etcetera etcetera. Argh. I just had this sob session in
my room where I cried while listening to Melissa Etheridge. This is insane. I wish I had someone else who's
gay outside of the Internet who I could talk to. And I do--my gay grandmother is coming to visit tomorrow.
I'm going to make this short.
I had a best friend. A good friend. She knew me better than anyone, she was my other half.
Then I fell in love with her.
On Saturday, we made with the smoochies, confessed love pour one another.
Later that night, and all of the next morning, she was making out with a guy she liked.
Only talking to me, touching me, when he wasn't around.
We discussed the whole thing later, and decided we shouldnt do anything right now.
Have you ever noticed how many slang words there are for gays and lesbians out there?? It's insulting! A lot
of them sound like another nasty word or something!! Here are my thoughts of some of them:
Faggot- Don't get me started on this one. It sounds disgusting, like "maggot."
Dyke- My younger sister made the oh-so-innocent observation that this word sounds like "dick". And she's
right! Honestly, it's awful. I hate the stereotype that gay men are feminine and that lesbians are
As typical with me I toodle around the web, catching up on the news. Because in 2005, I was one of those: If it dosn't affect me, then leave me outta of it Lesbians. *how idiotic of me* But, having grown more comfortable in my own skin...I figure it's never too late to throw my ten cents in. Inflation as caused me to up it from two cents.
Ex-Lesbian Wants Homosexual Magazines Out of Local Library
My mom makes me so angry sometimes. For years my dad and I have tried to get her to go fishing right? Well, a year ago she married someone else after divorcing my dad and suddenly she wants to go fishing a couple of weeks ago. How does she think that makes me feel? I have been wanted her to go fishing with me since I started fishing, but she always refused to go, for reasons that are unknown to me.
i have had a really bad week... i tried to come out to some of my friends they just hated me for it... but i dont blame them they dont understand... i have friends who do understand and who love me... i wasnt going to tell my parents anything at al but ehy decided it would be a good idea to search my room and found my journals... read them werent happy with what they found... the past like 2 hours i have been talked too and prayed over...
I've always been- no that's a lie, lets try that agian.... I've been completly open about my sexuality ever since the begining of this year. I was going to say I have always been open because I have always been open about it...well to myself that is. After I met this girl I decided to open up and tell everyone. She made me feel that good about myself. When I was with her I wanted to be just like her. She was so open with her sexuality that I just had to come out...thats when I found out she liked me. Soon enough we were inseprable, but I got scared and backed out after we kissed. She wasn't the first girl I had ever kissed, but she was the first one I had ever felt about in 'that way'. The kiss seemed to seal the deal for me. I didn't think I could be Bisexual all my life. I didn't know if that was what I wanted. I left her in the dust and started to act more 'straight'. I didn't speak with her for three weeks. SHe moved on and we became just friends. It was never the same.