One day back at school and I've already had a nice healthy dose of homophobia. Woopie for me.
We're sitting in English, and about to start our new topic for the term - Othello.
Our teacher starts talking about Shakespearean language and how the meanings of words change.
"So, what did the word gay used to mean everyone?"
"Happy!" "Enid Blyton!" etc, says the class.
And.. I bet you can see whats coming..
okay, i'm a little pissed right now. i've been looking for tips on how to ask a girl out, being romantic, all that stuff and it's all straight stuff. so i looked up tips for teenage lesbians, nothing. nothing at all. i even got results for CHRISTIAN DATING under my search. i mean, i really shouldn't be surprised, but that's not really what surprised me. what's surprising is that when i get on gay-friendly sites, especially for teenagers, it's all about "coming out" or "telling your friends" or "what to do if you're gay bashed" or "i've got a straight crush, what do i do?" (not that there's anything wrong with a straight crush, i'm in the middle of one myself) but i'm kind of worried about it. i mean, i'm a well-adjusted 15-year-old lesbian living in a slightly homophobic enviroment, but nothing that i really have to worry about, where do i come in? what if i do meet a girl i want to date? any tips, any advice? no. i'm basically on my own, and to tell you the truth, i'm basically in the dark here. i have no idea on how to go about asking a girl out, flirting, any of that stuff. i mean, i'm fairly good at flirting and whatnot, but what about the socially inept, who's going to help them????
Yuo thats right i got a rant for this week jsut because i can. Yup jsut because i can. So i am not down with this councelling thing anymore. This week when i went and felt like i was going in circles, twice now we have talked about why i was refered there once wwas about friends another time was about me and kalynn not getting along and this week was agian about why i was refereed there. So basically my rant is about her telling emt hat to makje my mother feel better i should but her ont eh same page. Which is fine. Then she says i need to tell her why i am not hanging out with kalynn anymore. So i am sitting tre think ing.....right i am going to d that. I mean fuck what am i supposed to tell her. "O by the way mom i am not friends wiht Kalynn anymore because she found out that i like girls so she is to homopphobic to deal with that and so you know i like girls. I mean think about it not oging to happen! not going to do it she tottaly does not need to know that. Ok done with complaining
Damn. I hate not knowing things. Being half and half and having all the right female parts but wearing all the wrong clothes and saying all the wrong words and doing all the wrong things that make me think my body is out of place... ugh. It would at least help if I knew for -sure- whether or not I was transgendered, or transsexual, but I don't, and not knowing things makes me angry.
And I hate labels. Labels make me angry too, they're so damn constricting... if I don't want to act like a girl, I won't freaking act like a girl. If I want to wear guys pants, I -will,- and it has nothing to do with you so just suck it up. Yes, I have boobs, it's a bit dufficult not to notice them, unless, you know, you're thinking I have some serious man-boobage going on or something, but damn, some people in my school just piss me off. I will tell you why I dress like a guy if I bloody -feel- like telling you why I dress like a guy. Argh. Piss off.
Woah. Uh... I've never done this before. I'm slightly confused, and more-than-slightly stupid, which is never a good combination. So, I labeled this thingy a journal, and, uh... maybe it should be a rant. Or maybe it should just be complaining, do they have a category for complaining? ::checks.:: Nope. That's kind of depressing. They have other, maybe it's an other, and... maybe I'll just shut up now.
god ive had a horrible year my dad got deployed and my mom really hasnt been the same since
she and my bro get upset at like the drop off a pinprick and i ve been mysteriosly sick
for like 6 months and the fucking docters say i am probelly depresed well if anything i m
deppressed becuase i got migraines twice a week that ussally only goes away with furanel
and sometimes my stoumach will hurts soo bad that i go week a week barly eating but the worts
BLEH!!!!!:( I HATE COLD DAYS, AND KFM IS PLAYING KAK F@#*ING MUSIC, JUST WISH THEY WOULD TURN THE THING OFF, I HAVE A MAJOR COLD THAT JUST WONT GO AWAY, LOADED WITH WORK GOT SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS I CANT EVEN GO FOR THE PIMP N HO'S PARTY, AND I WAS GONNA DRESS AS A PIMP!!!;( MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING 2MORO..YAY ATLEAST I GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO AFTER ALL THOSE FONE CONVERSATIONS CANT WAIT TO JUMP ON THE REAL THING :P
So i guess today is way better than yesterday and the entry i put up. SO caddy called today, but relaly only because i had already called 2 times this week, today i said that i needed to know if i had a job and that it was unfair to not have called 3 weeks later. like 2 hours ago diana called and told me she was offering em program councellor and i was like well thanks, but to be honest i am not sure that i want to work for caddy this summer and that alot went one that will not be good for me at caddy.
It will be quite different for me. But I know it would really be hard for me to become a full-fledged alcoholic considering that my medications won't react too well with alcohol. So unless I want to pass out and go to the emergancy room to get my stomach pumped, I won't really be drinking a whole lot.
And so Easter falls upon us. Today is the one day I get paid for not going to work. Whoo!
I completely wasted it of course, converting 24 and burning it to DVD, then watched it. Could have got some coursework done, but didn't. I feel a bit bad now, and I'm starting to get butterflies as the return day (Thursday) to school looms. Eek!
Mum commented today on how many cars she saw outside the church. We started discussing religion. I kind of thought it was stupid how these people go to church in their droves and the rest of the year they don't do it at all. Why are people so compelled to go at Easter? If you're going to believe in God, do it properly. We also laughed at the prospect of ME getting up on a Sunday morning to go to church. Then I thought to myself how they could make it a bit more entertaining. Half of the reason people have gone off religion is that it's BORING.
"Don't care your god damn name I just wish you'd respect me, my body and my wishes. You've done this before before like it didn't matter. Every time I see your damn face frear stikes deep in my veins. I tremble and no one understands my Earth stattering fear. They don't understand I can't be in the same room as you. You touched me, violated my space, my privacy, and expected me me to to be okay the very next day for you to do it again. I wish I never moved here so I wouldn't have to have known you. This place has only brought me pain in every fucking entity. You have me were you want me, crying shamed and scared to move, live or do anything at all. You violated me and I took it. You sexually harrassed me.
I was on the fricking bus, he sits down next to me, calls me an effin dyke - yipee whats new?
he was stupid as usual.
I ignored him as usual.
But we get to my stop, he stands up so I can get off, and he fxxing grabbed my fxxing ass!!
THAT FAT WHITEST BLACK GUY YOU'VE EVER MET W/ BIGGER MANBOOBS THAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE THINKS HE'S GOT THE BALLS TO GRAB MY ASS??
I really just want to SHOOT him right now.
I hate being the only gay person at my school when i came out it was a big deal and a lot of my friends turn on me but that the way thing go I hope that other the better luck then I did anybody give me a clue as how to act when the make comment or rants
Ok, so my dad is painting the house b/c we're breaking some code or whatever, and he wont let ne one else paint. I like to paint sometimes, but he wont let me! So monday, i ask him if he's ever gonna let me paint, his response? "Are you ever gonna turn straight?" What kinda crap is that!? If your parents are like that, please tell me so i dont feel so alone!!!
WTF...okay this is pretty much gonna be a short, pissed off rant... What the hell is up w/ oasis, or is it just my computer being a retarded piece of shit? everytime i get on, that's if i get on, to oasis, my computer freezes up...i can't get to journals, i can't open topics, i can't log in, can't respond to messages and can't post....sometimes i can't even get on the site...What's up w/ that? does this ever happen to anyone else? It is really annoying me and i am pissed.
Gods, I hate this chick. She's my friend's "ex" (they were together for three days), and she is a bitch.
Below is an ecerpt from an IM conversation I had the misfortune of having with her. Where the Hell does she come up with this shit? I'd be offended if i wasn't laughing so hard. And why can't she type properly?!?!?
Me: Are you still there, oh disgusting one?
Her: wut u talkin 2 urself?
YES!!! BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN COMES OUT ON DVD ON TUESDAY!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! Lol my sis wants me to go buy t the day it comes out so we can watch it. 1 more day!!! lol this was really random!
I find it very ironic for my mom to tell me not to like girls because it's immoral and abnormal and otheroffensivewordsthatmakemefeelinferior, but she confessed that she herself had a relationship with a woman back in highschool!!! She reasoned out that it's for their friendship to be saved (huh? can't get the logic behind what she did and her reason.... Isn't it that before entering into a realtionship, you have felt a special feeling for your partner? and why is she telling me that she had this relationship for friendship sake??? I have been fighting my feelings for girls because it's really hard to be who you are around people. Like I have been telling myself not to like girls so that everything would run smoothly and so that I won't wake up trying to figure out and having a problem on how to conceal my real identity fearing that I won't be accepted... But I am also a firm believer that it's not your fault to fall in love with someone, whether that person is the wrong one. I am a bisexual in my own room, and a "straight" girl outside(this statement is very metaphoric and symbolic for me. I like it.haha.)
The last couple of weeks have been hell for me.I was outed by my uncle.I asked him if he would not tell my parents coz I didin't think they were ready for it,but the guy goes ahead and tells my mom and dad.Surprisingly my mom was cool with it(although she said it would take her some time to deal with),but my dad was like"it's just a phase your going through".I felt like saying YO,A PHASE IS LIKE A DAY OR A MONTH,NOT TWO FRIGGIN YEARS!I felt so pissed I didn't talk to anyone for a week.When I came back to my other uncle's house,he gives this me lecture about how not having a big d--k or not being popular doesnt mean your gay.
i dont understand why people have to do the things they do.. and why no matter what happens i am always to blame.. you would think i am going through enough trouble with coming out for him to stop his tormenting.. but owhell i prolly deserve it..
type more later,