So i came out to my mom after 9 years and she basically said that im in denial and i need to get help. Everyday she acts like nothings wrong. Its like she lives in this little bubble and everything that changes her plan or doesnt make our family look perfect its wrong. And she thinks that im pushing the fact that im gay in her face. And im not. She tries to buy my silence with gifts . But i wont put up with it. She says that im going against everything shes ever told me, and that my life choice effects her and me.
So my last few journal entries have been about me being depressed and what not. I'd love to say it's getting better, and some days i feel like it is...but as of right now, I just feel lost in life...and alone in life. I'm in the middle of a big change as I'll be re-entering school in the fall, and it's making me look at myself and how i want to be viewed and how I want to act, which is to be myself. This means telling people I'm gay. However...it is so hard to even fathom me telling my friends let alone my family. In terms of where to say it, how to say it, how to start saying it.
So i haven't posted anything in a while and a lot has changed for me. But i'm not sure, if i'd say its changed for the better.
I had started University in September, and although i had high hopes of making a lot of great friends, coming out and letting people know i may be bi or even gay, nothing happened.
I feel as if every girl I ever am attracted to is never going to want to date me because I am transgender. My first girlfriend broke up with me because I came out to her as transgender. My second girlfriend did the same thing. The one girl I was dating but not in a relationship with who happens to be my best friend that I'm head over heels for also told me she couldn't date me because of my gender identity. I feel like nobody will ever want to date me because of my gender identity. I feel so alone...like I will never find love.
So this year I went away to college, and I met a girl, who was a few years older than me, and we quickly became best friends. Before I met her I never really had any bisexual feelings, neither did she. One thing lead to another and after months of being friends we hooked up and started dating. We didn't tell anyone, I told one of my sisters, and she told one of her friends, but did not want anyone to know because her parents would freak.
okay so this past week was pretty kick ass I order some new software and got an acadmic award and an attendant quit (jeff not C. don't panic lol)