I am so unlucky I cannot even believe it!
I have never really been a depressed person, sometimes I get anxiety but fucking hell, I have been so depressed and down today! And this is why:
My dog got sick four weeks ago, and as she lives with my Dad in this remote town, I decided to fly up there to spend some time with her. The flights alone costed 1450 AUD! Which is a joke, to fly domestically I could have flown to L.A or London for that price!!
This month has been mostly a hell, the first week of it I was really depressed and my parents made things worse, I tried to kill myself twice, I made more cuts and my birthday really sucked, I spent all day holding tears at school, faking smiles and lying to my parents saying to them that I had a good day and that I was really tired, I actually cried all night at home and thought a lot of suicide and why I had failed last time (2 days before); some times I get some little euphoric or maniac episodes and after they're gone I feel worse.
So i came out to my mom after 9 years and she basically said that im in denial and i need to get help. Everyday she acts like nothings wrong. Its like she lives in this little bubble and everything that changes her plan or doesnt make our family look perfect its wrong. And she thinks that im pushing the fact that im gay in her face. And im not. She tries to buy my silence with gifts . But i wont put up with it. She says that im going against everything shes ever told me, and that my life choice effects her and me.
So i haven't posted anything in a while and a lot has changed for me. But i'm not sure, if i'd say its changed for the better.
I had started University in September, and although i had high hopes of making a lot of great friends, coming out and letting people know i may be bi or even gay, nothing happened.
People make me wanna cry my armor is broken and the wall is down. I’ve been stabbed in the back and kicked to the ground I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I don’t know who to trust anymore, I don’t know who my friends are. I’m gone and I don’t think I’m coming back, my mind has cracked.
these past few days have been very questionable. it seems as though it's some sort of dream. it's reality but my brain just isn't processing, sort of like if you're using MS-DOS and you type a bad command line. if only there was some kind of pill or something to make me think everything was okay, or ok.
This has been a horrible week so far! I have so much homework I feel like I'm drowning it. We have to give a a 40 min to hour long intense presentation on Stalin, which is far from done and portfolio's, english final, 2 tests. On top of that I just found out my grandma has to continue with chemo even though they told her today was the last session. Overall I have just been feeling off for the last month. I have been seriously clinically depressed three times in my life once in 4th grade, once in sixth grade, and once at the beginning of last year.