My life is still a complete mess and everything is confusing me.
I finally got my license, my parents are still afraid to let me drive alone, it's understandable, but last Monday my parents finally did and I was really nervous and it was ok, but there's something weird and it's that when I drive, I mostly space out, get lost inside my head and it takes a while to realize what I'm doing.
When I first signed onto this site, I told myself I would refrain from writing anything personal because it just isn't my style but I have to admit now that I'm really lonely and in need of some support. Also, I'm running out of things to keep me numb. Before when my depression would get extremely bad, I would focus on the present or distract myself with a hobby, mostly I would daydream about the future and what I hoped to accomplish but now I feel like that was just false hope because here I am, years later; still miserable and a failure.
It would so happen that the love of my life, my best friend, the peanut butter to my jelly... Is moving... Lucky me... I already have depression and bipolar disorder, not to mention my ADHD. So if anyone wants to give me advice, please feel free to do so before I die along with my shattered heart...
We had a good talk. I hope I can learn to understand. I asked her for sure and she loves me. Things are unpredictable. She might not love me tomorrow but for now she loves me with everything she has, and that's more than I thought she would say. She never tells me really how much. Sometimes people are robots and they say I love you without meaning it. I'm so shitty that I can't comprehend how someone can love me. But she does. That's good enough for me I guess. I can't be selfish or sad anymore about it. I love her more than anything. She's the most important person to me.
I think I will be okay. I don't know what will happen. I may be over reacting, who knows. But I'd rather be prepared for the worst. I'm going to be here whenever she needs me. I hope that's ok. She loves me. She is worried she will never be happy on her own. Why can't she understand sometimes people need help before they can be their own person? We are changing. That's ok. I can change with it. I feel like I'm maturing. I don't feel selfish anymore. I've realized this the past couple days. I don't care how I feel about it. I don't care if I'm sad.
I found out last night from tumblr that my girlfriend is having doubts in our relationship from an anonymous question she asked a blog. I never go on there. I have only been on there the last couple days. She thinks I never use it. I usually don't. But I saw it.
My innocence is breaking. That feeling of young love and bursting feeling is disintegrating into memories where people find it later in their lives wondering what had happened.
It's been over a year since my last post! Things change a lot. It is really unbelievable. I need a place to express feelings inside of me where no one can see them. I miss this place. I used to write all the time cause I felt crazy and it helped.
Okay I've been hannging out on this site for a while now. some of you know me others don't and for some reason I feel like I've made a big mistake.
Its not like any of you have been mean. actually you've all been very nice but it's like I've spread my self so much that there's not much left. like someone's puntching holes through me and every thing just falls out thourgh them.
Mabey it's just because I'm new to releasing all (any of) my feelings to anybody.
Well thanks for listening I hope that as time goes by I'll get better at leting go and thanks.
my mom might be dying by her own hand.
i awoke this morning to the bellevue police department banging on the door, and when my dad let them in i got dressed and came upstairs, but not before i put it all together.
My skin feels paper thin, like shifting layers of gauze. Soaking everything up till I am weighted down with such force that I am sluggish, heavy, and falling apart.
She left me hungry. She left me empty. I think I'm just hurt. just Hurt.
simpleeee. fall back into yourself. it's that SIMPLE. my organs--lungsheartkidneyspleen--are full of holes and gates and all these ways to Leave. Get beneath my bones, cos my insides only leave room to disappoint.
Today my mom, my brother, Frances, and I went to the zoo. After 3 hours we dropped off frances and my brother.
After that me and my mom went to a therapist named Debbie. I went in while my mom waited outside. An hour later, and it turns out I have clinical depression and need to go see a doctor within the next week or so to get medicine.
The fact that I am bi didn't even come up. It actually wasn't that bad.
I thought I'd make a few remarks about depression, since it's that time of year throughout much of the world when many people, especially teens and young adults, may be feeling especially vulnerable. As someone who has been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, as well as CLinical Depression, I always find this time especially challenging.
I just want to get the hell out of here. Away from everything. Just gone. I just want, want want want. I want to be accepted. Totally, and without exception. I want people to accept me when I am happy, sad, angry, apathetic, spazzed-out, ecstatic, hyper-off-the-wall, ALL OF IT. I want everyone to accept me through all of it. Everyone.
I just ranted on someone else's journal. Yeah, talk of homophobia gets me a bit riled... whoops. :/
Just posted a new blog entry. If you want to check it out, here's the link:
CAUTION: Contains sadness and self-pity. Read at your own risk.
Now I'm going to go try and finish Chapter Seven.
"After all, tomorrow is another day." - Scarlett O'Hara
So... In the next few paragraphs, words or sentences, I'm going to try to tel l you all how I feel.
I feel kinda bad, got into an argument with my mom in 2 different parking lots, just feel like i did something so wrong because she said she was depressed about the usual, and was like take me home and just ope that she just doesn't do anything...