Easter was fun, but my father-in-law was a bit of an ass... I think.
The problem is I'm not sure, his sarcasm tone isn't that distinct from his sincere tone since he's fairly cranky all the time.
It was time to cut the ham and he said something to the order of, "well it has to be a man to cut the meat and I'm not going to do it because I have a headache... that means you have to do it!" and then when I said I didn't want to because I don't know anything about how to cut the meat he said, "well if you want to be a man you have to do it!"
Dad is coming to visit tomorrow and I find myself really excited and kinda nervous at the same time.
So far, he's probably my strongest ally in getting mom to come around with pronoun use and general trans* respect, but I know we've got some problems too.
For one, he supports me completely and utterly... but he's kind of a push over. When things with mom get heated he chooses the path of least resistance. There's pacifism, and then there's unhealthy relationship. He just hides in his work, or just doesn't bring it up at all, even if I really need his help.
I've been out to my mother as genderqueer/FTM femme for about 3 months and we've been talking about it quite a lot, but she still refuses to use my preferred pronouns.
In our last talk, I finally set it as a boundary for me.
"I can tell you're trying to help me, and that you're trying to understand and that's awesome. But if you want to help me, this is how to do it. I really do need you to call me by either "he" or "they". It's not just a want, it's a need".
This particular song, Shake the Disease, is pretty much how I feel right now.
"Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me"
This part of the song reminds me of trying to explain trans issues to my parents. I've been trying to explain to them why it matters to me what they call me, but it's really difficult to make that clear. And it is torture for me to be misunderstood.
"Here is a plea
From my heart to you
I'm currently living at home, both for the upcoming holidays and because my panic attacks and bad reactions to my medicine were making finishing the semester impossible, even if it's only a week or two. I do feel like being home is helping with my anxiety in that I can sort of get away from the crowded chaotic-ness of dorm life and college.
It took you sucking the sweetness from the pears in my garden
To make me want to get clean,
To stop taking the drugs you blasted through the airwaves,
To go from celebrity crushed to crushed by a celebrity.
Because the last thing I need is someone else telling me what a real man should do,
I get enough of that already.
I stood up for you when people called you a slut,
Told them where to stick their criteria for a promiscuous woman,
Thought that what you were doing wasn't feminism,
But neither was telling you to stop, that it's somehow worse when you objectify men
I'm currently supposed to be finishing up some homework. I don't feel like it for multiple reasons, but one thing that bothers me is that my full name is prominently displayed whenever I go to do it. It's online homework, and so it's under my full legal name, the one I gave the college. It's infuriating. I feel depressed when I look at it, like my work is all really someone else's.
And of course, binding hurts, is itchy and uncomfortable, but I'm scared to transition, scared that I'll regret it. Yet I'm binding daily and disguising my feminine features. I'm so frustrated right now. :(
I'm really not sure what I'm experiencing right now. This journal is a good place to document my feelings, though.
I AM SO ANGRY OH MY GOD.
So I called someone out on transphobia on youtube.
We kept arguing.
She ended it with "whatever, don't get your artificial sexual organs in a twist."
MY ORGANS ARE NOT ARTIFICIAL.
THEY ARE A PART OF ME.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY DON'T WORK LIKE YOURS.
THEY ARE PART OF ME. I AM A MAN.
And I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.
So I'm back at home again, in my old bed. I haven't been here to sleep in three months. And it's weird, because at college I've been mostly presenting as male, and identifying as male, for the past month or so, even a little more than that maybe. I love my bed, I love my room, but it is so unmistakably a typical girl's room that I feel confused. It feels weird. It's like seeing myself in pictures.
I am having a dysphoric day.
Today was decent until I got up to get dressed. I've been struggling with something selfish- there's a flannel shirt I love that my girlfriend hates. It has a slight history, in that it reminds her of someone who she dislikes. So I've been trying to wear it in ways that bother her less, but I think I should just cut the shirt out of my life. It is really just a shirt, and looking out for my girlfriend means so much more to me.
Welll....I graduate high school today.
And I'm 18 in August.
My mom and stepdad (favorite parents) are moving to Arizona in like a month cause he has asthma and has been working for like 30 some years and can't do another winter. Also family down there. And my mom goes too.
...I'm with the dad and stepmom who genuinely love me and try their hardest, but I will never be Trey Casen Willliams, male, and their son to them.
they just don't see it.
I forgot my old name, and I tried sending it back to my e-mail, but I forgot the password and all the information to that too.
So, hi everyone!
Good to be back.
I'll try to be on here more, I missed it.
It's been a while.
Gone through like 7 girlfriends probably. Girls are just a jinxx on me. So I'm done for now.
Got a grip of other shit to worry about.
Still holla at my facebook, if you look up Trey Casen Williams you'll find me on there!
And Youtube is /identitycrisis052.
I'm in Personal Finance right now.
Early release though, holllerrr.
I was sitting in my first meeting of the year of the GLBTQ support group at my school this morning.
We have alot of kids from 9th and 10th grades, especially, so the 11th and 12th graders and everyone are trying to figure out how we can get a manageable support group size so everyone can get their turn talking and getting help.
Now, last year, it was 9th grade and 10/11/12 by ourselves.
Now, people are offering ideas about "how about we do the gay boys, together, lesbians together, bi kids together, and questioning kids go wherever they think they go?"
Which is great.
For everyone else.
I haven't written anything for this site yet, and if there are any random people reading my shit they might want shit to read.
I'm in Vermont for three weeks, right?
And uhm for those of you who don't know, mainly all of you, I have this issue called crushitis right?
Just...raging teenage hormones.
I thought once I got a girlfriend that shit wouldn't go down anymore...wroooong.
I know it's just that I miss her
and I always feel the need to have a girl in my life
Okay, since people keep wanting to know about how I make my binders I'll write about it here.
First things first, you can actually buy binders, or make some from other things if your sewing skills are less-than-fabulous. Remember, ACE = BAD. Also, here's a guide for that stuff.
Okay, if you have a sewing machine, or patience, I'll tell you how I do it. You might need to change the pattern around because this is designed for me (a skinny B-cup) and I don't know how well it'll work for other body types.
I am uncomfortable with how much Tig turns me on. He has his moments, and in those I am very attracted to him. It makes me fear losing control. I know he would enjoy dominating me, too, but he enjoys being submissive more, as far as he's said. I really want to be in a mental space to top him. But he's so very attractive to me...
Hi, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me; it's been 9 months since I last posted! So re-introduction...
Name: I used to go by kaleigh (ew) on here, but I'm identifying as ftm now, so it's Kyle
A lot has happened since I last posted (most of it depressing, sorry) so I'll just put into a list some of the major things that are worth mentioning.
Hi! My name is Becky and I am from the YES Institute in Miami, Florida. If you are from the area and are FTM wanting a safe space to discuss issues going on in your life (or know anyone that would benefit from this type of group), please contact firstname.lastname@example.org