My darling children,
I am deeply saddened to announce that I am leaving Oasis permanently, effective now. I wish I could explain why, but I can't. They are too complicated, and very very personal and painful.
I just wanted you all to know that I'm trying to get back up to speed as quickly as I can. Unfortunately though (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), whenever any of you are hurting, it makes me hurt too (no, not just sympathize...I mean really hurt), and right now my threshhold of pain is still somewhat lower than normal. So I'm going to log off and take the rest of today to just decompress a bit and reset my breakers (to use two entirely unrelated metaphors). I'll be back before I go to bed to check what's happening.
Right now i am pretty young, still a high school student. Just this school year I had told some of my friends that I was gay. The first was a friend who I considered a sister. We were pretty close since we lived next to each other for three years and knew almost everything about each other.
This week has been shit....Absolute shit (exclude the job interview I went for on Wednesday). I really like my P.E. (she doesn't teach me the class this year, but it's easier saying that, so I'll just pretend that she is, cuz she taught me last year) teacher....so then I finally told my counsellor yesterday, and then she said, "You and I both know that you'll get hurt, if you try to act on it."....after that, she told me that it could only be a fantasy, and that's all it'd ever be. She's right....Ms. Slackson (my nick for her) wouldn't jepoardize her job. She wouldn't jepoardize being hauled off to jail. And, I know that deep down, but it still hurts to hear my counsellor say that. It hurts, knowing that it will never be. I won't ever be able to go up to her in the hall (or wherever) and just hug her...I won't be able to get close to her (in a non-sexual way). I almost started crying...I don't know why I didn't. And that's not even the worst of it. Just last night, a friend of mine signed on, and she asked me why I had a crush (her word, not mine) on Ms. Slackson. *She actually used the real name, but, for personal safety's sake, I'm not going to say it.* She also said it was gross....I was like, "Huh? What? What are you on about??" Wondering if I had really been that obvious. Then, she told me about the story I wrote....similar to my fantasy/dream. She said, "I know you wrote it." Then she told me she knew it was the teacher, because of the description I'd put in the story. My friend told me, "Look, I don't mind that you're gay, but we [her other friend as well] get a little weirded out." Then she proceeded to explain why, that I embarrass them, by...By being fucking prideful. For FUCK'S sake....It's not like I pushed you up a wall, and tried to make out with you! Why is it such an annoyance that I'm different/that I think girls are hotter than guys? Why!?