Jude and I finally found some time alone to talk - he drove me home after our all-day rehearsal. The play is shaping up, by the way - it had better be, as the first real performance is on Thursday. But I digress. As I say, Jude and I found some time to talk. And although the conversation led essentially nowhere - no resolutions were made or understandings reached, et cetera et cetera - it was still incredibly rewarding. Like this might actually lead to something. Like Jude might possibly turn out to be the friend I thought Leigh was. I never would have guessed.
Edit: The title. This used to be called 'Miscellany...' but I decided I didn't like that much.
Something Trivial: That girl, codename Ladybug, who slipped me that random Let's-be-friends note a while back, she's still around, still being quite the character, still making strong advances of unascertainable nature. Today we ate lunch together and she gave me another note, so smothered in ribbons and magazine clippings and origami that I was amazed to find an actual letter hidden under it all (Any spelling or grammatical errors are copied.):
So Leigh and I had lunch together today... It was pretty good... I skipped the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting for it, proving that I do have things more important than being gay (although the amount of time I spend on this site would seem to argue otherwise)... We played chess... everything seemed fine... The one thing that worries me is that the conversation came to an almost abrupt halt when the third person present left the two of us alone. That's not really a good sign. But I have reasonable hope that it will get better.
Since June I've been feeling like I've lost my gravity. Not seriousness gravity, more the kind of gravity that keeps planets in orbit. I'm a planet. I'm not a sun. I need someone to orbit. I'm swayed by the gravity of others. Metaphor. Metaphor.
For a long time I orbited around Leigh. I felt right there, comfortable, knowing that - whatever 'that' might be...I think I knew when I started the sentence, but I forgot. Anyway, I gravitated to him. It was stable. It was all good.
I don't know why I'm giving you another chance. I don't even know whether I really am. You have failed. This time, it wasn't me. This time, it was you.
I know I usually take responsibility, even if the fault was not all mine. But this time I know that if I do that, it will become a vicious spiral: everything of me will be compromised away to please you, to keep us together, until all that remains is...what? Nothing worth keeping.
Leigh and I pretty much broke up this morning.
Then some girls found me crying (and him acting perfectly normal) and managed to get us back together for another try at being friends.
I couldn't think of a satisfactory title to suit the real purpose of this entry, so I'm throwing in this thing about a pocket Bible as well, because that made a nice title. I found a pocket Bible the other day, with a green plastic cover and bearing the information 'THE GIDEONS INTERNATIONAL' and 'THIS BOOK NOT TO BE SOLD,' on a Dumpster. So I took it. Nobody leaves things on a Dumpster if he wants to keep them anymore. Although, usually if he doesn't want them, he puts them in the Dumpster. Maybe it just seemed wrong to put a Bible in a Dumpster, I don't know.
These various entries are combined into one because a prolonged lack of electricity prevented me from finishing or submitting any of them until just now. Had the electricity remained, probably only two would have ended up being written, because I try not to post more than one entry a day, in the hopes that the site won't be clogged up too badly with all my random thoughts and feelings. Also I think I'm going to start putting tags on my journals, which I haven't done before. This one takes an unfortunately large number of tags, I'm afraid.
I think the hideous uncertainty is over, and things are definitely on their way back to normal between me and my friend Leigh. He really has been very busy, he has also been unsure of what I want from him, and maybe some other factors came into play as well, but some sort of unspoken compromise has been reached and at least we're not going to fall apart.
For the first time in a long, long while, I feel pretty good on a level deeper than mere fleeting enjoyment and present mirth. Sure, I've not been too down recently, but I haven't had this sense that I do now, this sense that my life is actually, fundamentally okay.
So I just got back from my audition for the school play, and I think it went really well. Considering that I've only ever been in a play once before and all. The monologue I used was all about a person lamenting that her life wasn't more like a musical, and I could really relate to that pretty well - even though I can't sing worth a (something worth singing worth?), if I could change one impossible thing about the world, it would be for real life to be like the musicals. Yup, that wins out over world peace.
I asked my best friend a simple question a few minutes ago. My male best friend, pretty much the only male in whom I haven't completely given up interest. I just asked him what color my eyes are.
He said he doesn't know. We've been good friends since the seventh grade - that's five years! Five years! - and he still doesn't know the color of my eyes. Has he never so much as looked at my eyes?
I thought it might be the end. Of whatever. He had failed me enough times before, hadn't been there when I needed him, but not to know, after five years of friendship, that my eyes are green!
I don't even know what I'm doing here; I just discovered this site today, but it looks like a lot of kids not all that different from me write a lot of stuff here that may be crap or may actually be kind of meaningful, so I'm willing to give it (whatever 'it' is) a shot without worrying too much about clogging up the Internet with my irrelevant musings.