We wanted to make history.
We wanted to make this an
epic thing filled with riots
and dangerous kissing
behind liquor stores,
feeling the thrill of
being chased to death,
having our hearts
beating on the edge.
Or perhaps, that was what I wanted.
Darling, you only wanted waffles,
sugary and tasty at 8 A.M;
holding hands while listening
to Harvey Milk on the radio.
"You gotta give them hope," he'd said.
You always liked a good
watching from the window
as it ripped open the sea
and spilled its foamy secrets
all over the harbor.
I don't know what inspired me to search on the band Oasis, well yeah obviously because I love that band, actually I meant I don't know what or who inspired me to search on the band Oasis at this exact moment. I was feeling really really low today and I finally found an outlet for my emotions. Thanks to whichever deity that is looking upon me.
When I was a kid, I used to get a lot of flack from adults at school and at home because I'm shy and they would say I was anti-social and criticize me, saying I had to make friends because it wasn't normal. So I'd step out of my comfort zone and try to approach people, which would only result in me getting bullied. I seriously only had one real friend who I met when I was 9 but we lost contact when I was 11.
Hey everyone. It's 12/13/12. I am now 15 as of November 30th. I'm going to start there :)
I had a great Thanksgiving week. It was awesome. I ate at my Grandma's house. Had turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, corn, rolls, and brownies. It wasn't the same without my cousin Frances but I'm getting better. I'm starting to accept that she's went to heaven. I'm okay now.
We ate then played Name Game. You write the name of a character on a strip of paper and put it in a cup. Someone will read all the names and you have to guess who wrote what name. The winner is the person who is last to get guessed or if no one remembers their name. It's so fun. We play it every family get together.
I don't really know where to start but there's something that I've never understood and I just want some form of clarification, I guess, though it might still be impossible for me to understand because I just feel so different from everybody else. But.. When I was between 10 and 13 I was molested by an adult I lived with at the time and some other stuff happened to me when I was 17 and 18 that were equally traumatic. I'm not "normal", by any means, especially when it comes to intimacy and relationships because I don't trust just anyone with my body.
Below in this journal entry is the story of how my parents found out about my sexuality or more or less how I came out to my family about it. I will admit that I was full of fear, sadness and self-loathing. But at least when I told them I had a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt better that I didn't have to hide it any more.
Well, I grew up In a small town in PA. A place where the words "gay" "bisexual" "lesbian" were rarely heard. And I live with my aunt and uncle. My parents were druggies. Doesn't bother me too much. But that's the least of my problem. Bisexual. Yup. That's what i am. its hard. especially for a middle school girl. I don't want to be this way. Being different. The harassment. It sucks. I'm damned to hell. I want soo badly to change. I want to be just like everyone else. to be able to say.. I'm gonna get married and have a husband, house, and kids!
I have a boring life. I'm lonely. I came out to my (only) friend on Sunday. I didn't want to actually directly let her know, so I played a game. I gave her a few hints and let her guess. She got it right on the first try. I told her that she could tell her boyfriend. By the way, she isn't heterosexual. I found out that she's pansexual. Night is when I think the most and day is when I'm tired and don't really have any thoughts. Last night, I was incredibly happy and proud about being gay and not being the only one who knows it.
I often think too much for my own good. today i found myself thinking about the ever on going debates about the meaning of life. my viewpoint on the matter is "it should remain unsolved"
"Not Knowing" keeps our minds thinking and when we think we create, discover, and innovate. if we were to solve every equation, answer every question, or fix every problem. life would be pointless. making the entire search for the meaning of life then pointless. mystery keeps us going. With new creations, innovations, and discoveries, we receive new ways to indulge and enjoy our life.
It is decision time. I have two options.
Live a lie my entire life to make my mother and grandmother happy, and keep everything in their perfect christian worlds perfect.
I could be myself and live without fear, without lying every 10 seconds and without hating myself, but also without a family.
Me and my parents have been living in another family member's house since we moved a while back. Things took a turn for the worst back then and my parents could no longer work in their chosen professions (and therefore couldn't afford the bills), so they moved here when a family member offered them to live in her house (which she wasn't currently using because she her job moved her elsewhere) and pay what they could. Today that family member lost her job and shit's about to go downhill real fast. I think. I mean, I can only imagine. I'm stressed out, my parents are stressed out.
What's the meaning of life? Seriously, no "42" answers. And if you can't think of one, isn't that a bigger dilemma?
I've come back a few times and visited what I have written here. Most of it was a lot of trying to prove to myself who I was, and denying that I wasn't what I wanted to be.
I looked back at the entry before this one - I quit high school three times. I went to a normal high school, left for legitimate reasons. Tried again, left for the same reasons, and the third time..
I left because leaving before left me in a position where I was to be doomed to be in Highschool until..
I need to fucking fall in love.
Why is it so fucking hard.
I can't even feel that feeling anymore. It's all physical. Or about my ego. It's about competition, image, pleasure. Whatever.
I just want to fall completely ridiculously openly desperately in love with someone perfect.
But none of them are perfect. They're just stupid or clingy or boring or pathetic or useless or bitchy.
I had a dream last night. It's weird I can't describe it. But I hugged some imaginary boy I didn't know and cried. It felt real. I know dreams don't mean shit, but it reminded me when I wasn't single.
One day I literally decided it was time to start living my life for me and not for anyone else. Yesterday I bought a one way ticket to Hawaii. I plan to leave May 25th and stay for at least three months, if not longer. It is funny how this random event seems crazy to some, but to me it seems to be the most realistic decision I could have made. I don't look at this as a vacation or running away, I am finally living life!
As soon as the trip starts I will hopefully be able to post somewhat regularly on my site including photos.
I am easily amused. What will happen today will in no way shape the fact that the world will still turn tomorrow. Think about it, my problems will not be your problems. What I do today may not have any influence on you, but may alter me in many ways. We are strangely independent, yet similarly intertwined. I guess that is the magic in being abstract.
-Chelsea @ www.freedomuniversal.webs.com/
Perhaps one of my favorite videos of the moment is a mother who wrote a rap about her daily chores as a mother. Warning though- there is a bit of "colorful language" involved.
When I woke up this morning I didn’t realize I'm gay, I’ve known that for some time now; but what I did realize is that slowly but surely the world is becoming more accepting of gays and lesbians. What more could I ask for? Well if you have read any of my previous posts you’ll know I strive for equal rights. I wish like hell I could have been in DC this past weekend for the march for equality, but since I was unable to make it I am thankful for everyone who showed up and voiced their opinion.
Have you ever had one of those indecisive moments? For example, I have more homework to complete tonight than I care to mention, but now I am in the process of not only updating on Oasis, but trying to convince myself that seeing a movie (Julie and Julia) is a grand idea. So what am I indecisive about? Well should I stay or should I go? Ha, I’ll probably go see the movie because I know myself well enough to know that even if it means I’m pulling an all nighter, I will not have late school work…no way, no how. So has anyone see Julie and Julia?