Well... Today she's... She's moving. My best friend and the love of my life... It's her last day here with me and I'm really really upset. I wrote her a goodbye letter and I really hope that she likes it but... I feel like I'm gonna lose her after she moves... Like, she gonna forget all about me... And one of my greatest fears is being alone... I just want her to know how much she means to me and how happy she makes me feel whenever I'm around her... I love her... And I hope she loves me back...
It would so happen that the love of my life, my best friend, the peanut butter to my jelly... Is moving... Lucky me... I already have depression and bipolar disorder, not to mention my ADHD. So if anyone wants to give me advice, please feel free to do so before I die along with my shattered heart...
This is a chronicle of the time after my break up with my girlfriend of 3 years. I wrote this about a month and a half after it happened and I started to heal and think clearly about things and put them in perspective. If you are having a rough time with things, anything, not even a breakup, you should read this because life is not always so serious and I am doing great now.
Well this is my very first post ever. Let me introduce myself. I am a freshman in high school due to turn 15 years old in a matter of days. I wouldn't consider myself very popular, in fact, I can't stand preps. I'm actually pretty awkward. I hate school, my parents, and I hate the stereotypes accompanying sexuality. The only things I truly love in life are my extended family, my friends, and music. Oh yeah, and I love my best friend. She's like awesome and a total nerdy Gleek just like me. I'm 100% against bullying and I absolutely love love love love love KellyJane.
Last week it was Valentines Day.
I celebrated my one-month anniversary with my boyfriend.
Dominique. That name. I still think about her every once in a while. Our story. Is a true story of forbidden love. As you may have read in another journal entry of mine, My parents don't believe in bisexuality. But they don't see my side. Of course they love me and I love them. They just. Don't understand. I'm sure many people have been there before. Well. Dominique was tall, skinny, and beautiful red hair with black underneath. She was crazy though. But that's what made her so unique. We started off as a "secret romance". A romance that we didn't take seriously at first.
So I'm in a very tough situation right now and any advice I can get will be much appreciated. A couple months ago a coworker of mine invited me to his church. He's going to college studying for ministry and has an internship with this particular church. For his sake I'll call him Ryan (He's closeted and there's complicated circumstance). I'd been into Ryan for awhile and agreed to come along. I didn't expect to enjoy the church but I did and I became a regular member. I also became closer to Ryan in the process because we were both part of the worship band.
We had a good talk. I hope I can learn to understand. I asked her for sure and she loves me. Things are unpredictable. She might not love me tomorrow but for now she loves me with everything she has, and that's more than I thought she would say. She never tells me really how much. Sometimes people are robots and they say I love you without meaning it. I'm so shitty that I can't comprehend how someone can love me. But she does. That's good enough for me I guess. I can't be selfish or sad anymore about it. I love her more than anything. She's the most important person to me.
I think I will be okay. I don't know what will happen. I may be over reacting, who knows. But I'd rather be prepared for the worst. I'm going to be here whenever she needs me. I hope that's ok. She loves me. She is worried she will never be happy on her own. Why can't she understand sometimes people need help before they can be their own person? We are changing. That's ok. I can change with it. I feel like I'm maturing. I don't feel selfish anymore. I've realized this the past couple days. I don't care how I feel about it. I don't care if I'm sad.
I found out last night from tumblr that my girlfriend is having doubts in our relationship from an anonymous question she asked a blog. I never go on there. I have only been on there the last couple days. She thinks I never use it. I usually don't. But I saw it.
My innocence is breaking. That feeling of young love and bursting feeling is disintegrating into memories where people find it later in their lives wondering what had happened.
It's been over a year since my last post! Things change a lot. It is really unbelievable. I need a place to express feelings inside of me where no one can see them. I miss this place. I used to write all the time cause I felt crazy and it helped.
I've just joined and I don't even know if this is the right place to post it, but I just want to get my feelings out.
wow, it's been a long time since I looked on Oasis but I figured it was time to make a new account and make a comeback.
Anyway, I'm currently compiling a poetry anthology titled "A Tale of Two Fools - Love Poems Not to Show Your Mother" and thought you guys might like to take part. I'm not going to give you any more guidance than the title and I'll just see what kind of stuff comes out of it. Any poems you submit MUST have never been published before. I know I'm only 19 but wierder things have happened, you never know, it might be in Waterstone's this time next year.
i dreamt of him last nyt....
it was the first time i dreamt of him since i left.
u can say he broke my heart. i mean how can this person say he loves me, that im his bestfriend, that wen im sad his day is already ruined and most heartbreakingly of all his "Boyfriend". One day there arent any secrets wit me and him, one month he calls me every night jus to say goodnyt even wen its super late, just bcuz the last thing of the day he ever wanted to do was jus say Good Night to me.
When I saw you the first time...
I heard some music chime.
The song of the angels flowing down,
putting glistening sunshine on your head...
The perfect ruler for my body,
the perfect person for my habits...
What can I say?
This love, when I see you I feel it everyday.
When I first saw you, the music... so good.
It made me go down under...
Close my eyes, the sweet interlude.
Your eyes, so perfect, so true...
and your lips and body, too.
I just can't say enough about you..
Who you are, what you do.
Baby, I couldn't see you go.
Walter de la Mare
♥ ♥ ♥
Slowly, silently, now the moon
Walks the night in her silver shoon;
This way, and that, she peers, and sees
Silver fruit upon silver trees;
One by one the casements catch
Her beams beneath the silvery thatch;
Couched in his kennel, like a log,
With paws of silver sleeps the dog;
From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep
Of doves in silver feathered sleep
A harvest mouse goes scampering by,
With silver claws, and silver eye;
And moveless fish in the water gleam,
By silver reeds in a silver stream.
Ok so where do I start? Everytime I take one step forward, life throws me three steps back. I need to find a new job quick b/c im running out of money, and i still have to pay for university and car insurance. Me and Ricky are talking but not in public or face to face, all we seem t do is message each other on facebook. :( Wish I could get some one-on-one with him. For the past three months I've been harassed about being gay and being in weight room.
Its been awhile but i guess tht shows by the date of my last post. Well recently i got a job, been terminated b/c they didnt need me anymore. Told my best friend im gay. I had drawn a pic of the guy a like and he found out so i ended up covering for it. We've been playing hide n' seek with our eyes a lot lately so idk wuts up w/ tht. lol Ive been harassed on formspring by some asshole saying everyone thinks im gay and asking me if i am, but the belligerent ass was just full of it and when i questioned his reason for asking me he shut up.
"Valde specialis amicus"
'Bonum, malum vidimus omnes, /
alium adiuvat nos cum caderem,
per tempora anni per /
nostris risu, nostroque ploratu /
ego tibi et mihi et /
consideratis ego propinquans familia /
non sit relicta vacant secreto /
amicitiam valet multo auro /
etiam videtur mundus nigris /
invenies inferre retro /
ostendere signa videre occasum /
Haec sunt in sempiternum non obliviscar /
scire nobis longa credas scimus omnia /
Sed quaedam de nobis quasi Qabala /
scio voles siue conseruatio jam fragum /
si scitis ut vel exponere verbis nisi /