*wrote this with my best friend.
Underground railroad tracks run
through this cowboy town and
your vulnerable heart,
splitting in half,
makes you groan whenever
I bury my face in your neck
and unbutton your shirt,
tracing circles around
your trans-Atlantic hipbones.
Caleb, you are splayed;
sometimes here with me,
other times, nowhere in
the foreseeable future of
our baseball swimming hole days,
and loving you isn't easy
or sweet like condensed milk
and holiday music playing
in a fireplace-lit room.
Like a ghost with vindictive fingers,
You claim she's making you restless
with her strings of costume jewelry
and celebrity perfume that reeks
of insecurity and family issues.
But despite all your complaining,
the way I see things, your heart
is just as isolated as this girl's
and you two aren't that different.
She thinks it's funny to call her
peers names that she dug up
out of her dad's expensive yard,
covered in undeserving soil
and pubescent bacteria.
"Dance with me," she says.
"So everyone will think you're normal."
And you make excuses as
disco balls throw cliches
against the rundown walls of a gym
Being different is hard for everyone and I know that, but I just feel like there is totally something wrong with me. I don't feel comfortable with who I am as a person and it hurts my heart greatly. I'm always surrounded by people everyday, but I feel invisible to the world. Honestly, I came to a few conclusions that I made myself believe. I told myself that if I smile,even when I'm in pain, that it will make everything better. Is that really the case? No, I actually feel worse for doing that.
For the first time in a long, long while, I feel pretty good on a level deeper than mere fleeting enjoyment and present mirth. Sure, I've not been too down recently, but I haven't had this sense that I do now, this sense that my life is actually, fundamentally okay.
first, before i mention why i am, haha, i wanna share what happened yesterday at walmart...:P
when i left that store yesterday, i realized that everyone in there was really normal looking and doing normal things, no odd weird people or anything, except for me cause i was running around with cheezitz in my arms, displaying my cotton candy blue hair (ends up that different light makes it a different shade of blue...XD), and dressed up in my choir uniform (lime green polo shirt, black dress pants and black dress shoes) XD
Ok, so I had a MASSIVE toothache today, (I had to sneak motrin to school) anyways, I had a journal entry in English I today and I couldn't do it because of the pain. 2nd Block had no pain. 3rd Block had a lot of pain(OWWWWW!, and I had to play an instrument too!), and finally a nice and peaceful 4th block. Is it just me or does my body hate me?
My best guy friend who was like a father passed away last night, he was one of the only ones in our family who loved me the way I was no matter wat, n now he's dead!! Omfg, I feel as if my eyes are never goin to stop tearing up.... I never got to kiss him goodbye... I miss him sooo bad!!! Somebody catch my fall from grace..
Right now i am pretty young, still a high school student. Just this school year I had told some of my friends that I was gay. The first was a friend who I considered a sister. We were pretty close since we lived next to each other for three years and knew almost everything about each other.
Blood comes flowing
Through the blade
It cant be coming
Breath comes quickly
From my chest
All the more
Why do I feel this way
A mixture of releif and dismay
Another Scar Another day
Make it go away
Things have went from bad to worse, within the space of a few days....:(
blah...here i am again...an entry hog lol...sorrie...i'm just in the mood to write. well i've wrote these awhile ago but yeah...wanted to share, so this is ANOTHER lol...one of my poems...enjoy!
[Title]; Be Thankful
[Written]; October 13, 2005
as the pain in my heart
begins to throb
i wonder how god
could rob me of this peace
why is it so hard to deal with the pain
another one of my many poems in my lost but now found composition books...this is called Deep Within;
as the tears are flowing
and the cuts are growing
ad opening to the heightened pain.
but as each and every word is said
and soaked within
the anger and hostility begins.
there are more sad than happy days in a week
and as many cuts that cover the body
enough that it hurts to live.
i was looking through me old composition books...the ones i used when i used to write a lot of poetry and such...and so it thought i should share some with you guys...i don't care you you don't like it or not, it doesn't really matter to me...lol its all old feelings...the past is the past and it should be kept there. here's one that i called "The Destroyer";
the pain is unbearable
So, I decided to use that Nair hair removal cream yesterday. I mean, every girl has facial hair, mind you it's usually blond, and unnoticable. But I didn't want it. Body hair bugs me. Everyone who knows me knows I shave every inch of my body except my head and my eyebrows, and well, a small area 'down there'. Anyway... I decided I was going to start making my face 100% hairless.
I'm allergic to the cream.
Please allow her to concentrate
Just for five minutes please
Allow her to clear her mind of negative thoughts
Block out all things that remind her of me
Please allow her to concentrate
Focus on school and work
I'm sick and tired of seeing her hurt
Allow her to smile her beautiful smile
Let her graduate
She's had a rough year
And I don't want to be the reason
Why she comes back next year
Her eyes told me it may never be
As her lips closed my sentence
Saying he wasn't going to be there for her
My heart trips and falls as my ears think about this
'I would be there for you'
The voice dies in my throat -
now is not the time
Her tears are in my eyes
I cry for her
She doesn't understand, thinks she's done wrong
I feel my world evaporate