Well my close friends were the first to find out.. Then I went on and broke the silence with my Mom..
So for those of you who aren't out to your parents yet (like me)
How do you deal with dreaded question: So any boyfriends (girlfriends) yet??
Sure the obvious answer is to come out but for various reasons ie. don't want to deal with the drama it will cause, want the parents to pay for my college
i can't so that
I have a friend whose mother treats him like crap. He tries so hard in school, and has never gotten a grade bellow A-. Even so, the mother grounds him for trivial things like talking on the phone too long, or staying up past 9. It's not just her being incredibly strict.
I don't know if it was our shared fear of flying to New York tomorrow, or the effect of the depressingly rare bout of sunshine we got this afternoon, but me and my sister, Gemma, had an intelligent conversation. It was rather insightful, so far as it affirmed my belief that I'm right about a lot of things because other people are, quite simply, ignorant.
My mom and dad want me to shave my legs. They've made it clear that it's not a choice whether to do so or not, at least not with them. I tried to pay my mom back for the razor she bought me, and she told me she didn't want my money. She told me that my not shaving my legs affects her as a parent, because people walk up to her and say, "Look, I noticed utter_insanity doesn't shave her legs.
Well, my mom had another huge talk with me last night. She told me that shaving is just "good grooming," and that it's just like taking a bath, using deodorant, or brushing your teeth. The heck? She said that "dirt can get caught in your hair," so I said, "Fine. I'll shave my head, then, so that no dirt gets caught in the hair there!" Of course, she rolled her eyes and ignored that.
My mom just told me these things:
1. She wants me to shave, because my legs look "terrible"
2. My father feels the same way
3. It is more "socially acceptable" to shave your legs
4. People are going to tease me when I go back to school because of my legs
5. I won't have any friends because of my hairy legs
6. It bothers her that my legs are hairy
Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat. So. Today my dad told me that my mom was "uncomfortable with my feelings for girls." And proceeded to remind me (actually in a really nice way; I know it's a lot more my mom's viewpoint than his) that being so open and out about my sexuality could make people see and treat me differently, and could lead to total badness outside of NYC.
When I carpooled home from school with my straight ex-crush today, I couldn't stop staring at her. Argh, I hate her so much! Why did she have to look so good?
So this permanet happy phase is still going strong...Tomorrow will be two weeks...And it feels like...2 months. Shelby and I have so much fun together that everything seems like it would be more entertaining to have her there...She spent the night of Friday...This time she kept me up until 3 am, unlike last time when I kept her up.
Yeah… Basically, I made a comment to my mom that I wanted to watch the movie The Lord of the Dance because it has girls in tights dancing in it (Lord of the Dance is this musical/dancing show/play from Ireland that my mom and dad have on VHS), and my mom laughed and said that I was a “horny bitch.”
I have no clue why I am here. I guess I need a place to not be judged or asked what the hell I am doing, a secret place to feel like I am alone and still being heard.
I think if we are honest with ourselves, we all need that. We are so busy putting on a front for our friends and family that we rarely have the chance to just scream out our fears and not be judged.
So, this weekend I went through some pretty heavy stuff with my dad. It started because I mentioned that I didn't want to be seeing the school counselor anymore, and I wanted him behind me in that decision. The conversation progressed to whether or not I should be in therapy, and my current mental state.
In AP Lit, we're reading Kate Chopin's novel The Awakening. It's a feminist book about a mother/wife that desires more independence, and on the journey of her awakening she begins to abandon her responsibilities as a mother/wife. At first, I was very excited because I was hoping it'd turn out her being lesbian or in love with her dear female friend (because they are quite friendly with eachother), but sadly she falls for another man. Well, I began telling my parents of the book. About how I can relate to Edna about the whole independence thing without kids and a husband...
I told my mom a while back that I was "lk that" and wasn't going to change. She seemed okay with it... She said it was my choice and just to know that once I make that choice, (to come out to all or to be with a girl) that nothing would be the same. Life would be harder. So, thanks? I mean I thought it was okay. Too good to be true???
Lately i've been thinking abotu coming out to my mom. Well i really shouldnt say lately, i've been wanting to for a year or two now. I've picked dates and then once teh day and time came i just chickened out and didn't tell her. I'm tired of keeping this a secret. I'm pretty sure she already knows i'm a lesbian but i just feel like i'm lying to her.
My dad is being his usuall dick self and not letting me see my girlfriend...The stupid bastard...And he doesn't even know she's my girlfriend...Which amuses me to no end usually, but right now, it just makes me sad...We just had 6 days of snow so I hadn't seen her in a very long time until we had school again on Thursday...And yesterday, she left early, so I left early and went home and crashed.
Thursday December 14
Okay, I'm currently living with my parents. I have since 2002, mostly for health and financial reasons. It's been mostly all right, as all right as being around your parents all the time can ever be. I have to say though, my plans to move to Seattle came just in time, because my mother has begun to get under my skin much more this year.
This week has been shit....Absolute shit (exclude the job interview I went for on Wednesday). I really like my P.E. (she doesn't teach me the class this year, but it's easier saying that, so I'll just pretend that she is, cuz she taught me last year) teacher....so then I finally told my counsellor yesterday, and then she said, "You and I both know that you'll get hurt, if you try to act on it."....after that, she told me that it could only be a fantasy, and that's all it'd ever be. She's right....Ms. Slackson (my nick for her) wouldn't jepoardize her job. She wouldn't jepoardize being hauled off to jail. And, I know that deep down, but it still hurts to hear my counsellor say that. It hurts, knowing that it will never be. I won't ever be able to go up to her in the hall (or wherever) and just hug her...I won't be able to get close to her (in a non-sexual way). I almost started crying...I don't know why I didn't. And that's not even the worst of it. Just last night, a friend of mine signed on, and she asked me why I had a crush (her word, not mine) on Ms. Slackson. *She actually used the real name, but, for personal safety's sake, I'm not going to say it.* She also said it was gross....I was like, "Huh? What? What are you on about??" Wondering if I had really been that obvious. Then, she told me about the story I wrote....similar to my fantasy/dream. She said, "I know you wrote it." Then she told me she knew it was the teacher, because of the description I'd put in the story. My friend told me, "Look, I don't mind that you're gay, but we [her other friend as well] get a little weirded out." Then she proceeded to explain why, that I embarrass them, by...By being fucking prideful. For FUCK'S sake....It's not like I pushed you up a wall, and tried to make out with you! Why is it such an annoyance that I'm different/that I think girls are hotter than guys? Why!?