This is a chronicle of the time after my break up with my girlfriend of 3 years. I wrote this about a month and a half after it happened and I started to heal and think clearly about things and put them in perspective. If you are having a rough time with things, anything, not even a breakup, you should read this because life is not always so serious and I am doing great now.
We had a good talk. I hope I can learn to understand. I asked her for sure and she loves me. Things are unpredictable. She might not love me tomorrow but for now she loves me with everything she has, and that's more than I thought she would say. She never tells me really how much. Sometimes people are robots and they say I love you without meaning it. I'm so shitty that I can't comprehend how someone can love me. But she does. That's good enough for me I guess. I can't be selfish or sad anymore about it. I love her more than anything. She's the most important person to me.
I think I will be okay. I don't know what will happen. I may be over reacting, who knows. But I'd rather be prepared for the worst. I'm going to be here whenever she needs me. I hope that's ok. She loves me. She is worried she will never be happy on her own. Why can't she understand sometimes people need help before they can be their own person? We are changing. That's ok. I can change with it. I feel like I'm maturing. I don't feel selfish anymore. I've realized this the past couple days. I don't care how I feel about it. I don't care if I'm sad.
I found out last night from tumblr that my girlfriend is having doubts in our relationship from an anonymous question she asked a blog. I never go on there. I have only been on there the last couple days. She thinks I never use it. I usually don't. But I saw it.
My innocence is breaking. That feeling of young love and bursting feeling is disintegrating into memories where people find it later in their lives wondering what had happened.
It's been over a year since my last post! Things change a lot. It is really unbelievable. I need a place to express feelings inside of me where no one can see them. I miss this place. I used to write all the time cause I felt crazy and it helped.
So... I've been crying for the past twenty minutes over my ex girlfriend who dumped me back in March...
I just feel like a failure; I spent three years trying to help her get over her social anxiety and I dropped everything for her and it still wasn't good enough. If I was in a relationship with someone else I'd drop it the moment she said she still loved me, I disassociated myself from my family because they never approved of us, and she still just dropped me like I was nothing...
This particular song, Shake the Disease, is pretty much how I feel right now.
"Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me"
This part of the song reminds me of trying to explain trans issues to my parents. I've been trying to explain to them why it matters to me what they call me, but it's really difficult to make that clear. And it is torture for me to be misunderstood.
"Here is a plea
From my heart to you
I'm going out tonight with my girlfriend and my rugby team to celebrate our fall season. It was my first time playing rugby, and I loved it.
The attire is dressy. I will likely be the only one on the team not in a dress. Although I identify somewhere on the FtM spectrum, I play for a women's team because of biology (and also because I hear the guys' team is full of bros- and one of them called Lady Gaga a tra**y, which just gives me a bad feeling about playing for them). My team isn't entirely aware of my gender identity, and I'm considering coming out to them more formally soon.
and trust me, it ain't the mormon tabernacle chior! my life is horrid, but the bright spot is that i've found a new friend on the net... it's quite fun to hang out with them! they are receptive to every prob. i have, it's great!
Drain my horrible pain it hurts me so, let full moons wrath let go. I am one with its wrath and together we shall cause my enemies pain and suffering, while half moons blight shall do almost the same. Nothing can escape my sight.
i wrote this when i was 12, so its a little raw and basic, but most people say its really good. that was back when i was still confused as to why i liked guys.
is a wretched thing.
I feel so skint.
It's like, I feel like I'm standing at the precipice of a great mountain screaming to the top of my lungs...and all around me are people who are in my life, not even paying attention or listening to my screams.
It’s late so I’ll try to make it simple, despite my thinking tendencies.
I’m obviously attracted to one of my guy friends but I know for a fact that he’s not attracted to me. I’ve found this out through several obvious methods that involve communication not only with him, but others.
Welcome to the late-night version of Amy's mind...
Not that it's at all interesting or mind captivating...
After all, it's 1:30 in the morning and I'd rather be sleeping...
I have an effinity for doing things I shouldn't. I like it. I like knowing that at any moment, I could get caught. But I never do, so I keep right on rule breaking.
My ex-girlfriend, that I am still completely in love with, Shadowfrosty, is coming here. To Washington. And I get to see her...Butterflies and happiness and jumping up and down and a little bit of a squeak. She gets here the 30th. I can't wait. I haven't seen her in way way too long...And now...the only question is...Whats gunna happen?
I can't move on,
but oh how I wish I could.
You're in every piece of me
and I'm just a fragment of you.
Loving you is a one way street
and I'd kill to get off
where the crossroads meet.
I need love and you're just a liar
So don't tell me I'm wrong.
I really thought we belonged.
I could so easily ruin what you have.
Because honestly, what would she say
once she saw your sweet words?