Well something happened.
It was the sadest thing but me and Jake were lying next eachother, and then we realized we couldnt be together, we were too different, some of the things he does were just so wrong, and I couldnt understand it and it was just so hard. So as we lay in his bed in eachothers arms, i whispered to him "Jake, you know I love you." and then he said i love you back and it was just so beautifull, even though we were crying in eachothers arms.
Then as he drove me home, and we both realized that we werent going to see eachother agian it was the sadest thing.
We had a good talk. I hope I can learn to understand. I asked her for sure and she loves me. Things are unpredictable. She might not love me tomorrow but for now she loves me with everything she has, and that's more than I thought she would say. She never tells me really how much. Sometimes people are robots and they say I love you without meaning it. I'm so shitty that I can't comprehend how someone can love me. But she does. That's good enough for me I guess. I can't be selfish or sad anymore about it. I love her more than anything. She's the most important person to me.
I found out last night from tumblr that my girlfriend is having doubts in our relationship from an anonymous question she asked a blog. I never go on there. I have only been on there the last couple days. She thinks I never use it. I usually don't. But I saw it.
It's been over a year since my last post! Things change a lot. It is really unbelievable. I need a place to express feelings inside of me where no one can see them. I miss this place. I used to write all the time cause I felt crazy and it helped.
like it hurts to how it hard to get some onr to like you not to lust over
it makes you want to brake down like even though alot of people say i am
cute like the just think of me as a sex objcet
I'm feeling the weight of silence and the stabbing of memories. I think it's a klonopin kind of night.
okay so this past week was pretty kick ass I order some new software and got an acadmic award and an attendant quit (jeff not C. don't panic lol)
Walking briskly, white wind in my face.
I've come a long way to be in this place.
I see you there judging my case
But I walk right past you to be a star.
Shooting madly across the sky.
To be like a star in someones eye.
I want to impress you with what I can do.
I want to confess all the way through.
I want to be a star in the sky.
I want to be there in your eye.
Drunk and riding around at 1 AM. This is not how I imagined remembering Rick. He is indestructible. He was indestructible. It’s so hard to believe he’s gone, within one passing second a drunk driver sped past the cross-walk, his best friend unable to pull him back, that fast. Poor kid, he blames himself, I can tell. They say he was killed on impact. That’s good right? Not much pain?
I have been a member of Oasis for something like 2 weeks and 4 days. I have spent years searching for this place where absolutly everybody could relate. Some place where I wouldn't have to deal with prejudice and homophobia. And then suddenly, I stumble upon this place that is everything I have ever dreamed about and much more. I love all of you who leave me comments on my posts.
This week has been shit....Absolute shit (exclude the job interview I went for on Wednesday). I really like my P.E. (she doesn't teach me the class this year, but it's easier saying that, so I'll just pretend that she is, cuz she taught me last year) teacher....so then I finally told my counsellor yesterday, and then she said, "You and I both know that you'll get hurt, if you try to act on it."....after that, she told me that it could only be a fantasy, and that's all it'd ever be. She's right....Ms. Slackson (my nick for her) wouldn't jepoardize her job. She wouldn't jepoardize being hauled off to jail. And, I know that deep down, but it still hurts to hear my counsellor say that. It hurts, knowing that it will never be. I won't ever be able to go up to her in the hall (or wherever) and just hug her...I won't be able to get close to her (in a non-sexual way). I almost started crying...I don't know why I didn't. And that's not even the worst of it. Just last night, a friend of mine signed on, and she asked me why I had a crush (her word, not mine) on Ms. Slackson. *She actually used the real name, but, for personal safety's sake, I'm not going to say it.* She also said it was gross....I was like, "Huh? What? What are you on about??" Wondering if I had really been that obvious. Then, she told me about the story I wrote....similar to my fantasy/dream. She said, "I know you wrote it." Then she told me she knew it was the teacher, because of the description I'd put in the story. My friend told me, "Look, I don't mind that you're gay, but we [her other friend as well] get a little weirded out." Then she proceeded to explain why, that I embarrass them, by...By being fucking prideful. For FUCK'S sake....It's not like I pushed you up a wall, and tried to make out with you! Why is it such an annoyance that I'm different/that I think girls are hotter than guys? Why!?