My life is still a complete mess and everything is confusing me.
I finally got my license, my parents are still afraid to let me drive alone, it's understandable, but last Monday my parents finally did and I was really nervous and it was ok, but there's something weird and it's that when I drive, I mostly space out, get lost inside my head and it takes a while to realize what I'm doing.
This month has been mostly a hell, the first week of it I was really depressed and my parents made things worse, I tried to kill myself twice, I made more cuts and my birthday really sucked, I spent all day holding tears at school, faking smiles and lying to my parents saying to them that I had a good day and that I was really tired, I actually cried all night at home and thought a lot of suicide and why I had failed last time (2 days before); some times I get some little euphoric or maniac episodes and after they're gone I feel worse.
I missed my chance with death, I had the razor going down on my wrists, blinded by emotions, tears streaming down my face and my fucking brain told me to not do it tonight just because today my aunt had her birthday. Typical from me, missing my chances with good things just to make people happy. Anyways I made a tiny cut that will be hard to cover and another 10 that I'll have to explain in 2 weeks if they don't heal fast. I'm fucked up.
This day and last week had been so good (except my suicide night).
Well, I grew up In a small town in PA. A place where the words "gay" "bisexual" "lesbian" were rarely heard. And I live with my aunt and uncle. My parents were druggies. Doesn't bother me too much. But that's the least of my problem. Bisexual. Yup. That's what i am. its hard. especially for a middle school girl. I don't want to be this way. Being different. The harassment. It sucks. I'm damned to hell. I want soo badly to change. I want to be just like everyone else. to be able to say.. I'm gonna get married and have a husband, house, and kids!
my mom might be dying by her own hand.
i awoke this morning to the bellevue police department banging on the door, and when my dad let them in i got dressed and came upstairs, but not before i put it all together.
Here's a link to a youtube channel that is uploading stories from people who suffered bullying and went on to a better life.
Hope isn't lost. There's a good life out there and no gay teen should end theirs due to bullying. Hopefully if you're feeling like there's nothing in this life for you, this will change your mind. At least a little.
Is it possible to want to die, but not want to kill yourself? I mean...I wouldn't say I am suicidal...but I don't want to live. No...I think what I mean to say is that I don't want to feel. I think some people confuse not wanting to live and not wanting to feel. See...the thing is...sometimes I wish I was a cutter. I mean...cutters cut because they want to feel something. They can't feel without hurting themselves physically. I want to STOP feeling. I feel too much. I wish I could turn off my physical feeling and my emotion.
Hmm, what's going on in my life? Besides being on the brink of suicide twice in one week, nothing really.. I keep thinking something is wrong with me.. I think I may have Asperger's Syndrome.. other than that, I really have nothing to write about.. Nothing at all..
so... one of my friends ran away. she left a suicide note saying that she was gunna drown herself. but she didnt she has been gone for like... a few days and... her brother saw her but she booked it. why does she insist on putting the stress on all of us?
One tentative step
Cut through the misty fog
The internal battle rages
“Why am I doing this?”
“It’s the only way out.”
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
and everytime I cut myself
you held me close and asked me why.
I never meant for you to see
what was hidden underneath
my tattered clothes, my hurting smile
beneath it all my secret grief.
I never meant for you to catch me
I didn't want you to care
You should have let me fall, baby
leave my heart laid bare.
My best friend through high school (and now) is a boy named Eddie. All through high school, I struggled with my sexual identity and with suicidal depression, and he was there to support me. Eddie is gay, and comes from a morally and politically conservative family that doesn't accept him or his "lifestyle choice" (their words not mine).
Yesterday I realized that the fourth of July is coming up in 3 days, my birthday is in two weeks, and today me and my gf have been together for six months. I love my life!!
For the last few days I've started to not only contemplate, but accept, the possibility of suicide. Actually I think I've been thinking about it for years.
A new book examines a gay son's suicide, and his mother's new life.
By Jeff Walsh
Bobby Griffith's four-year struggle with being gay and trying to live a Christian life ended on Aug. 27, 1983.
On that day, the twenty-year-old California man backflipped off a freeway overpass in Portland, OR., timing his leap so his body would be struck and killed by an oncoming tractor-trailer.