Since I got out of a relationship with a fiance I had for 4 years, i've been hooking up with random women to fill the empty void in my heart. i've forgotten how to care and respect a women. i would only use the women who were worth something to stick around and who cared for me to get to the next women i would cheat with. i was becoming, and stilll am, really a worthless piece of shit. but then one night i couldnt stop the thoughts in my mind from taking over and i allowed myself to hear what my head had tried to tell me many times.
I'm thinking about this weird dream I had last night that in retrospect is making me sort of sad. I won't go too into it, but there were two major events in the dream. Firstly, the girl who I like (who is straight so far as I know) said (not in so many words) that she was bi. The other big thing was, I cut off all my hair (something I've been wanting to do for ages in real life) and I totally freaked about it--like, had a tantrum at my mom, who did the cutting, for not doing it right.
Most of the time you only hear the downsides of being gay--the struggles, the fights, the inconsistencies and intolerances that are thrown our way each day. It's not hard to wonder why some people will try and convert themselves and to make a choice like reparative therapy.
May 7, 2007